Hello hello!
So *blows dust from blog* this really isn't the best year for regular updates so far, is it? Well, never fear, because I have an hors d'ouvre to keep you satisfied while you wait for more gripping, meaty content. Or tentacles. Or gripping, meaty tentacles. Where was I? Ah, yes.
In the event that you find yourself impersonating a writer, I have compiled a few handy tips to ensure that the deception is perfection itself.
1. Procrastinate. Deadlines should not only whoosh past, you should be able to make impressive Youtube videos recording their colour shift and Doppler effects as they fly by. In fact, they should fly by so quickly that the sound of their passing merely follows behind them.
2. Pants are for the weak. Writers do not wear pants. Socks, stockings, leggings, skirts, kilts, pyjamas, sure--but never true pants.
3. Alcohol is a food group. One near the bottom of the pyramid. It's made of grain, right?
4. Alternate between dominating all conversations with discussions about your book, and refusing to talk about it.
5. Any success should be met with an outburst of joy and gloating, followed immediately by crushing self-doubt.
6. Cultivate a rakishly unshaven look--regardless of your gender--and then skip a couple more days of shaving and personal grooming. If necessary, iron your clothes at weird angles to get the appropriately rumpled chicness down.
7. Show up either half-dressed or wearing something slightly odd. Maybe an in-jokey t-shirt. Look disappointed yet perpetually hopeful when people ask you to explain the shirt--someone might get the reference eventually.
8. Bust out peculiar archaisms or cross-linguistic swears at every opportunity.
9. Caffeine is also a food group. It supercedes water itself. Whether you drink tea, coffee, energy drinks, or the sputum of ginseng-eating monkeys from the Southeast Amazon, caffeine is how books are made.
10. Hiss when people damage books in public, such as by dogearing or, gods forbid, spilling something--then drop your Kindle, phone, or paperback in the bath while you're reading.
11. Treat all agents, opportunities for publicity, and book-signings like precious morsels of food that will keep you from starvation--because they well, technically.
12. Be broke. Even if you have money, find a way to not have any.
14. Be absolutely terrible at math.
15. If these steps fail to work, or already describe you, resort to actually trying to write something. When that fails, read rather a lot of books of every genre, go back, and write it again.
16. Love writing, and actually work hard at it, rather than just complaining about how hard you work while you flip through Facebook and search for alien dildoes on Etsy.
Next time--you'll learn how to impersonate an editor, and after that, a graphic designer! Stay tuned!
So *blows dust from blog* this really isn't the best year for regular updates so far, is it? Well, never fear, because I have an hors d'ouvre to keep you satisfied while you wait for more gripping, meaty content. Or tentacles. Or gripping, meaty tentacles. Where was I? Ah, yes.
In the event that you find yourself impersonating a writer, I have compiled a few handy tips to ensure that the deception is perfection itself.
How to Act Like A Writer
1. Procrastinate. Deadlines should not only whoosh past, you should be able to make impressive Youtube videos recording their colour shift and Doppler effects as they fly by. In fact, they should fly by so quickly that the sound of their passing merely follows behind them.
2. Pants are for the weak. Writers do not wear pants. Socks, stockings, leggings, skirts, kilts, pyjamas, sure--but never true pants.
3. Alcohol is a food group. One near the bottom of the pyramid. It's made of grain, right?
4. Alternate between dominating all conversations with discussions about your book, and refusing to talk about it.
5. Any success should be met with an outburst of joy and gloating, followed immediately by crushing self-doubt.
6. Cultivate a rakishly unshaven look--regardless of your gender--and then skip a couple more days of shaving and personal grooming. If necessary, iron your clothes at weird angles to get the appropriately rumpled chicness down.
7. Show up either half-dressed or wearing something slightly odd. Maybe an in-jokey t-shirt. Look disappointed yet perpetually hopeful when people ask you to explain the shirt--someone might get the reference eventually.
8. Bust out peculiar archaisms or cross-linguistic swears at every opportunity.
9. Caffeine is also a food group. It supercedes water itself. Whether you drink tea, coffee, energy drinks, or the sputum of ginseng-eating monkeys from the Southeast Amazon, caffeine is how books are made.
10. Hiss when people damage books in public, such as by dogearing or, gods forbid, spilling something--then drop your Kindle, phone, or paperback in the bath while you're reading.
11. Treat all agents, opportunities for publicity, and book-signings like precious morsels of food that will keep you from starvation--because they well, technically.
12. Be broke. Even if you have money, find a way to not have any.
14. Be absolutely terrible at math.
15. If these steps fail to work, or already describe you, resort to actually trying to write something. When that fails, read rather a lot of books of every genre, go back, and write it again.
16. Love writing, and actually work hard at it, rather than just complaining about how hard you work while you flip through Facebook and search for alien dildoes on Etsy.
Next time--you'll learn how to impersonate an editor, and after that, a graphic designer! Stay tuned!
***
Thanks for dropping by the nest once again. Leave your comments, rebuttals, and vehement agreements below. Don't miss any of the phuquerie--get on the mailing list. Find Michelle on Twitter, Facebook, and on Tumblr, and find her work on Amazon. Check back on the blog to see when one of the irregular posts has careened onto your feed. This is the one and only SciFiMagpie, over and out!
ATTENTION: Spread this message far and wide, copy and paste it and send it to EVERY MALE you know!
ReplyDeleteWe men must boycott marriage, and never marry. Why? Because there are ZERO benefits for men in marriage. If you get married, there is at least a 50 percent chance that your wife will divorce you, kidnap your children from you, and steal all your money in divorce.
So, what are the alternatives to marriage?
1. Learn how to game and seduce women
2. Fuck prostitutes
3. Masturbate to porn
etc
Did you know that it's cheaper to fuck a prostitute once a week than to maintain a wife? You will get bored of fucking your wife after the first six months of marriage but with a prostitute you can fuck a new one every time.
There is already a MASSIVE anti-marriage campaign worldwide, with men basically giving up on marriage and refusing to get married. Here are two recent articles on it:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3046350/Why-men-refuse-marry-Women-complain-chaps-today-won-t-settle-Sorry-ladies-s-fault-argues-wickedly-provocative-new-book-Denigration-Men-PETER-LLOYD.html
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/05/01/why-men-wont-marry.html
Now, there are THREE main ways we can destroy feminism forever and take women off the massive pedestal they are on. We must fund and promote the following three technologies:
1. Virtual reality sex programs
2. Artificial wombs
3. Sex Robots
Once these three technologies are in place, women will no longer have any power in society. After all, why would you waste time chasing after fat women in real life when you can fuck hot supermodels in virtual reality or fuck a female sex robot? And since women's main power comes from their reproduction capacity, if we REMOVE that capacity from women through the technology of artificial wombs, then women will have ZERO power left in society and thus feminism is finished forever.
THIS is the solution, gentlemen! Now we must do our part and spread the above message to as many men as possible so that we can raise the consciousness of men worldwide. I am the guy who created the famous Boycott American Women blog, which reached around 40 million people worldwide through the internet campaign I created. Therefore I know what I am talking about.
In summary:
Do not ever get married. Simply seduce and bang women, or fuck prostitutes, and help promote the above three technologies, and we will DESTROY FEMINISM FOREVER! Thank you!
If you still have doubts about WHY you should not get married, I strongly recommend you to read the following article:
https://dontmarry.wordpress.com/
Great list. I especially like #4. :P
ReplyDeleteI pulled a lot of these from personal experience. As in, I've done them. :P
DeleteI think most of us writers have. :P
Delete