My ongoing investigation into Twitter's sugar daddies, sugar babies, and the slightly overlapping financial domination fetish market continues!
This week, I have advice for anyone considering the market - whether idly or seriously. As usual, links are seeded throughout the essay.
This post will cover adult themes and concepts. I will try to be discreet and tasteful, but after this point, expect allusions to sexuality and romance. Reader discretion is advised.
Twitter makes it seem as though getting paid is easy. But even getting paid doesn't mean you're actually getting money in your account that will stick around. Because this series does focus on scams, here's a link to a common one that's very, very popular on Twitter - the 419 scam. Basically, the "sugar daddy" gets your login info and sends you a payment - often far more than you asked for, and with no real strings attached. Then, once the cheque appears to have cleared - although the money may not actually have been processed by the bank - they ask you to spend the extra money on errands for them. Then, once the week is up, the cheque bounces - leaving you accountable not only for the money they sent you, but for any extra money you may have spent from the overpayment.
It sounds like it would be easy to see through, but greed and desperation make it easy to turn one's head. Throughout my own investigations, it really has been difficult at times to remember that no matter how manipulative the tactics and language, none of these folks are the real deal. And honestly, a lot of them get incredibly creative with their backstories.
I decided to find out what it would take to become a real sugar baby, and with that in mind, I trawled through Reddit's sugar communities to see what people were saying. There's a lot to critique about Reddit, but it has its useful and positive pockets, and that was very much the case for the sugar communities.
...Is that you should talk about sex club, keep yourself safe with rubber and other preventative measures, and don't take it for granted. Sex work is work. It's easy to think of sex work as relatively easy - after all, don't you have to just lie on your back and wait until someone is done? - but it's truly not the case. People come to sugar babies and sex workers (there's a lot of overlap) for companionship, comfort, to satisfy kinks, and to connect with another person in ways they can't in their ordinary life. Orgasms start between the ears and behind the eyes - not just between one's legs.
With that in mind, having a broad and comprehensive knowledge of BDSM and polyamory terminology is an absolute must. Know your rights, know how consent works, and know what risk-aware consensual kink is (as well as how it works). If you're sexually squeamish, this probably isn't the profession for you - but I'd recommend researching the area even more so, because it's very interesting and fascinating. Perhaps more importantly, there's something about understanding the weirdness of human sexuality that's oddly heart-warming. Everyone's got their weird kinks and predilections, and it's much harder to judge ourselves or others when we embrace our shared strangeness (in a consenting, aware, and responsible environment, of course).
Another thing that's of vital importance is people skills. Are you a good conversationalist? Believe me, you'll need to be. If you're not particularly good at talking to others, don't fret or feel ashamed; it's an art, and like any skill, can be trained. Both old and modern etiquette guides are a good way to study the basics, but I have personally found that keeping myself educated about a variety of areas and staying abreast of news has been tremendously helpful. Yes, that's a formidable task - but the challenge keeps one's mind agile. There are many resources which can drip-feed or summarize information, specifically targeting beginners in an area, and those are great choices. Don't undervalue your existing knowledge bases for things like true crime or Pokemon or anything of that ilk, either - there's always someone, somewhere, who's hiding their passion for some weird topic.
Another element of being a good conversationalist is counselling and interview skills. I cannot recommend studying these areas enough; frankly, they make one a better human and a more pleasant companion. The most important technique I learned in school was how to shut up when someone was talking, and the second-most important technique I learned was how to ask for more information about someone's topic of interest. If if you're not interested in sex work, but you are interested in being less awkward, look into these subjects. Awkwardness is nothing to be ashamed of; neither is it an overpowering trait that must needs control your life and hamper every interaction.
As I've made pretty clear, there is a sex work element to being a sugar baby, but each relationship is both different and comparable to others. That may sound like a non-answer, but hear me out. Real sugar relationships do involve connection and companionship (as well as sex, though the sex isn't mandatory - though the forum posts I saw seemed to insist that it was, so who knows?).
In some ways, becoming a sugar baby is like applying for jobs. I was surprised (and amused) by the amount of common ground I saw between sugar babies and freelancers like myself. Dating and job interviews have a lot of similarities, especially in the modern era, and being a sugar baby basically lands in the Venn diagrammatic intersection of both. (Of course, sometimes there are hilarious and peculiar stories, and looking for those is rewarding enough on its own.)
It seems like it should be easy - find someone rich, talk to them, profit - but like everything else, it requires skills and refinement of those skills to be effective. In addition, trying to be something you're not or going against your nature will soon result in failure. If you want to be a perfect, doll-like Instagram beauty, that's great! But if you're, say, more of a crunchy, dreamy person, or more of a casual person, then don't try to be an Instagram model.
Instead, try to be the best possible version of your natural self. Whatever you do, seek to do it better. Focusing on what you desire and like most will ensure your success far more than trying to match what other people do - even though comparing oneself to those who put hours into their appearance and makeup skills can be very intimidating, and even disheartening. Stick it out, and don't let negative self-image convince you that you're being honest with yourself. To make it as a sugar baby, good self-esteem and the ability to appraise your strengths and weaknesses frankly are absolutely mandatory. (In all fairness, these skills are broadly useful in the rest of life, too.)
That being said, one may connect with a boss or sugar parent, or one may not connect, and the latter makes it unlikely to land an arrangement. If you can't tell whether you're connecting with someone or not - and granted, that can be hard to figure out - I'd suggest practicing social skills and interactions elsewhere before seeking a sugar relationship. It's a bit hard to describe, but fast typing and enthusiasm in tone tend to signal a connection online. In person, dilated pupils, leaning forward, a slight smile, interruptions, and an elevated voice tone with plenty of variation tend to indicate that someone is strongly engaged and interested in you. It can be distinguished from anger or tension by the slight smile and a relaxed expression about the eyebrows; a furrowed brow and tense muscles and posture, however, indicate concern and anger.
(This may sound obvious to many people, but none of us should take our knowledge of others' body language for granted. At the very least, socially challenged people, writers, and those with disabilities may find these descriptions useful.)
Basically, the point of this installment is that being a sugar baby is just a very specialised form of work. That kind of sucks, because it would be nice if it was as easy as it seems - but as usual, society's devaluation of "women's work" and femme work has led us to assume that the complex and intricate are childishly accessible.
Sure, that one girl at your work might have landed a boyfriend who buys her everything, but you're not seeing the nights when she has sex unenthusiastically, sits there and consoles him about his ex-wife's alimony demands, spends five hours on her makeup, or - at worst - deals with her partner's tantrums, or even abuse. Being a sugar means being available, attentive, and matching someone's fantasy. You may be able to relax more as time goes on, but it's quite strenuous and attention-heavy. Honestly, what I read about being a sugar kind of reminded me of being in retail and working on commission sales. The invisible lines of tension and approval that span every social connection have to be sensed and tested with care, but those who can pluck the strings and combine authenticity with the ability to please others may well be rewarded.
And, as always, consider helping to support my series with a spot of tea at my Paypal.me and Ko-fi.
This week, I have advice for anyone considering the market - whether idly or seriously. As usual, links are seeded throughout the essay.
Disclaimer:
This post will cover adult themes and concepts. I will try to be discreet and tasteful, but after this point, expect allusions to sexuality and romance. Reader discretion is advised.
Twitter makes it seem as though getting paid is easy. But even getting paid doesn't mean you're actually getting money in your account that will stick around. Because this series does focus on scams, here's a link to a common one that's very, very popular on Twitter - the 419 scam. Basically, the "sugar daddy" gets your login info and sends you a payment - often far more than you asked for, and with no real strings attached. Then, once the cheque appears to have cleared - although the money may not actually have been processed by the bank - they ask you to spend the extra money on errands for them. Then, once the week is up, the cheque bounces - leaving you accountable not only for the money they sent you, but for any extra money you may have spent from the overpayment.
It sounds like it would be easy to see through, but greed and desperation make it easy to turn one's head. Throughout my own investigations, it really has been difficult at times to remember that no matter how manipulative the tactics and language, none of these folks are the real deal. And honestly, a lot of them get incredibly creative with their backstories.
I decided to find out what it would take to become a real sugar baby, and with that in mind, I trawled through Reddit's sugar communities to see what people were saying. There's a lot to critique about Reddit, but it has its useful and positive pockets, and that was very much the case for the sugar communities.
The first rule of sex club...
...Is that you should talk about sex club, keep yourself safe with rubber and other preventative measures, and don't take it for granted. Sex work is work. It's easy to think of sex work as relatively easy - after all, don't you have to just lie on your back and wait until someone is done? - but it's truly not the case. People come to sugar babies and sex workers (there's a lot of overlap) for companionship, comfort, to satisfy kinks, and to connect with another person in ways they can't in their ordinary life. Orgasms start between the ears and behind the eyes - not just between one's legs.
With that in mind, having a broad and comprehensive knowledge of BDSM and polyamory terminology is an absolute must. Know your rights, know how consent works, and know what risk-aware consensual kink is (as well as how it works). If you're sexually squeamish, this probably isn't the profession for you - but I'd recommend researching the area even more so, because it's very interesting and fascinating. Perhaps more importantly, there's something about understanding the weirdness of human sexuality that's oddly heart-warming. Everyone's got their weird kinks and predilections, and it's much harder to judge ourselves or others when we embrace our shared strangeness (in a consenting, aware, and responsible environment, of course).
But wait, there's more!
Another thing that's of vital importance is people skills. Are you a good conversationalist? Believe me, you'll need to be. If you're not particularly good at talking to others, don't fret or feel ashamed; it's an art, and like any skill, can be trained. Both old and modern etiquette guides are a good way to study the basics, but I have personally found that keeping myself educated about a variety of areas and staying abreast of news has been tremendously helpful. Yes, that's a formidable task - but the challenge keeps one's mind agile. There are many resources which can drip-feed or summarize information, specifically targeting beginners in an area, and those are great choices. Don't undervalue your existing knowledge bases for things like true crime or Pokemon or anything of that ilk, either - there's always someone, somewhere, who's hiding their passion for some weird topic.
Another element of being a good conversationalist is counselling and interview skills. I cannot recommend studying these areas enough; frankly, they make one a better human and a more pleasant companion. The most important technique I learned in school was how to shut up when someone was talking, and the second-most important technique I learned was how to ask for more information about someone's topic of interest. If if you're not interested in sex work, but you are interested in being less awkward, look into these subjects. Awkwardness is nothing to be ashamed of; neither is it an overpowering trait that must needs control your life and hamper every interaction.
How do sugar relationships feel and work?
As I've made pretty clear, there is a sex work element to being a sugar baby, but each relationship is both different and comparable to others. That may sound like a non-answer, but hear me out. Real sugar relationships do involve connection and companionship (as well as sex, though the sex isn't mandatory - though the forum posts I saw seemed to insist that it was, so who knows?).
In some ways, becoming a sugar baby is like applying for jobs. I was surprised (and amused) by the amount of common ground I saw between sugar babies and freelancers like myself. Dating and job interviews have a lot of similarities, especially in the modern era, and being a sugar baby basically lands in the Venn diagrammatic intersection of both. (Of course, sometimes there are hilarious and peculiar stories, and looking for those is rewarding enough on its own.)
It seems like it should be easy - find someone rich, talk to them, profit - but like everything else, it requires skills and refinement of those skills to be effective. In addition, trying to be something you're not or going against your nature will soon result in failure. If you want to be a perfect, doll-like Instagram beauty, that's great! But if you're, say, more of a crunchy, dreamy person, or more of a casual person, then don't try to be an Instagram model.
Instead, try to be the best possible version of your natural self. Whatever you do, seek to do it better. Focusing on what you desire and like most will ensure your success far more than trying to match what other people do - even though comparing oneself to those who put hours into their appearance and makeup skills can be very intimidating, and even disheartening. Stick it out, and don't let negative self-image convince you that you're being honest with yourself. To make it as a sugar baby, good self-esteem and the ability to appraise your strengths and weaknesses frankly are absolutely mandatory. (In all fairness, these skills are broadly useful in the rest of life, too.)
The magic vibe
That being said, one may connect with a boss or sugar parent, or one may not connect, and the latter makes it unlikely to land an arrangement. If you can't tell whether you're connecting with someone or not - and granted, that can be hard to figure out - I'd suggest practicing social skills and interactions elsewhere before seeking a sugar relationship. It's a bit hard to describe, but fast typing and enthusiasm in tone tend to signal a connection online. In person, dilated pupils, leaning forward, a slight smile, interruptions, and an elevated voice tone with plenty of variation tend to indicate that someone is strongly engaged and interested in you. It can be distinguished from anger or tension by the slight smile and a relaxed expression about the eyebrows; a furrowed brow and tense muscles and posture, however, indicate concern and anger.
(This may sound obvious to many people, but none of us should take our knowledge of others' body language for granted. At the very least, socially challenged people, writers, and those with disabilities may find these descriptions useful.)
The practical upshot
Basically, the point of this installment is that being a sugar baby is just a very specialised form of work. That kind of sucks, because it would be nice if it was as easy as it seems - but as usual, society's devaluation of "women's work" and femme work has led us to assume that the complex and intricate are childishly accessible.
Sure, that one girl at your work might have landed a boyfriend who buys her everything, but you're not seeing the nights when she has sex unenthusiastically, sits there and consoles him about his ex-wife's alimony demands, spends five hours on her makeup, or - at worst - deals with her partner's tantrums, or even abuse. Being a sugar means being available, attentive, and matching someone's fantasy. You may be able to relax more as time goes on, but it's quite strenuous and attention-heavy. Honestly, what I read about being a sugar kind of reminded me of being in retail and working on commission sales. The invisible lines of tension and approval that span every social connection have to be sensed and tested with care, but those who can pluck the strings and combine authenticity with the ability to please others may well be rewarded.
And, as always, consider helping to support my series with a spot of tea at my Paypal.me and Ko-fi.
***
Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor of fiction. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and Max the cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people's manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.
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