Missed It: Creature (2011) Review

Hello hello!

I was editing Cult Classics for the Modern Cult, and of course, I needed an appropriate sound-track. I kinda ignored Grabbers (2012), even though it deserved my attention, but I did pay heed to (2011). And oh, lordy, I'm glad I did.

From time to time, I will post a quick review of movies and books I either a) miraculously missed, or b) just discovered, and c) definitely think you should not miss. Or, sometimes, d) think you need to miss as hard as possible, because it is e) embarassingly mediocre or f) soul-scarringly, chew-your-own-nuts-off-to-escape awful.

Which category does Creature fall into? Well, you'll have to read on to find out. This review does contain

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS 

So if predictable horror movies are easily ruined for you by premature plot revelations, stop reading and run for Netflix right now. If not, then I present to you...Creature!


Creature (2011)

Summary

Oh, man, I knew I was in for a delightfully awful ride the minute I saw totally unnecessary tits. Of course, our  lady purveyor of comely flesh lasts all of five minutes until a big old gator makes her into lunch. Good thing, because that nasty-ass swamp looks like a petri dish for bacterial infections. We then cut to a bunch of Southern college kids in a van--complete with overacting, three couples, and all the cliches you could possibly hope for.The plot that follows is so simple I won't dignify it with too much attention--personal drama, horror teasing, and of course, mass murderation. So, let's talk about the good stuff.

Of course you can count on dense Cajun accents in this one. The dialogue, particularly when delivered in the accents, is hilarious. I know lots of Southerners. They are a colourful group. But you can always count on a B-movie to take local pizzazz and crank it up to 11. Drinking game for this movie: every time you hear a contraction, or just every time you can't understand what someone is saying, take a tiny sip of your drink. I apologize in advance for your liver failure.

Oh, and of course there's incest with disturbingly hot actors--no, you're not watching Game of Thrones, this is just a horror movie trope. I will say that scenes like what appears to have been a blow-up doll and one of the worst attack cuts I've ever seen--followed immediately by one of the sloppiest overacting yells I've ever heard--make this a chocolate-box assortment of pure joy. I hope you like bad CGI and really slow chases, because they abound. Also, really fake-looking blood. There's also a lot of tits, I have to say. It's still not Game of Thrones, though. The budget is the dead give-away. Also the presence of Not-Megan-Fox, Not-Taye-Diggs, Not-Channing-Tatum, Not-Kirstin-Dunst or Emma-Stone, and a couple more Nots to round out the van.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the red-head sometimes gets an Irish instead of a Southern accent at random times. Also, lesbian sex teasing and a girl getting sprayed in the face with snake blood at the end of the scene. And after that, there's basically a bit of an orgy. People have sex in the woods, or start to, and...I won't spoil it, but my eyebrows rose. Of course, that was interrupted by hunters looking fer the gator. The gator-monster sure is shy by monster-movies standards, though. The film focuses on shoddy gore and its shoddy actors rather than the beast. But when we do finally see it, it's as gloriously rubbery and fake as one could possibly hope for.

Source. Another favorable review.

Pros

It's goofy as phuque. That should be obvious. It kind of verges on self-awareness, and I think that works, in this case. I can't call it an original creature feature, but it's certainly overacted and very enjoyable. The lead actor's overacting--I can't be arsed to remember his name, but he had a purple shirt--is pretty great. The black guy--does he have a name? Do any of them have names?--takes over and actually makes a very appealing badass lead. The pacing is also surprisingly decent.

The sex and goofiness and 'scares' make this a possible candidate for a good date movie. And for once, the black guy doesn't die first! Add in surprisingly good cinematography, actors who are doing the most with a crap script, and pleasantly fake gore, and you have a really smooth ride, especially for a B-movie. I can't spoil the ending, but I loved it, even though it took the most inexcusable short-cut ever with something epic.

Cons

Well, it's not Citizen Kane, as mentioned. If you're clinically allergic to breasts, this might also be a poor choice, and it's certainly not 'family suitable' if you don't want your kids watching sexploitational horror. Honestly, even for a shlocky movie, parts of it verge on softcore porn. No, wait, they basically are softcore porn.

This movie definitely fails at being even a little bit feminist, but it's shlock horror--unfortunately, that's part and parcel of the genre. If you're squeamish, this one won't do you any favours, either. Also, the scene where the alligator eats a girl out in slow motion--or maybe just sniffs around--was exactly halfway between disgusting and hilarious.

Final Verdict

Definitely watchable. Definitely stupid. It's weirdly enjoyable and popcornalicious. Careful editing, and you could cut together a pretty good set of porn GIFs for Tumblr. As it stands, it's a solid 10 out of 10 and a valid contribution to any schlocky movie night or marathon.

*****

Thanks for dropping by the nest once again. Don't miss any of the phuquerie. Find Michelle on Twitter, Facebook, and on Tumblr, and find her work on Amazon. Check back on the blog to see when one of the irregular posts has careened onto your feed. This is the one and only SciFiMagpie, over and out! 

Completely Snowed; How 'Frozen' Fixed The Princess Franchises (Girlcember Part 3)

Hello hello!

So, we've finally gotten to Frozen. I've kept you waiting long enough; for the cap on this series about Disney, let's talk about the one that fixed them all. Now, if you haven't seen Frozen yet, there will be 

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS 

With that out of the way, let's do a really fast run-down!

I would love to gush on about the plot, the brilliant twist of having a prince as a villain, the well-designed alternate love interest that actually avoided a triangle, the nod to the importance of consent in a kiss, the establishment of it being possible to save the day without a man, the relationship between the two sisters, the exploration of being an introvert vs an extrovert and how coiling into yourself is bad, the depiction of love developing through conversation organically, the idea that parents can mean well and screw up, and the fact that we now have a powerful female queen who is not evil but is a bitchin' ass mage of the first water. I could mention the gorgeous visual design, the proper use of 3D, and the nice historical flavour details (though there were some anachronisms). I don't have to to gush about every detail, but I'm going to hit on the big ones. 

Source.  I promise the annoying snowman isn't as bad as you'd think.

Real girls: We can has them?

The biggest thing that was fixed is that the princesses are based on an updated understanding of femininity. Anna has no self-doubt about her ability to rescue her sister. When we first see her as an adult, she is drooling on her pillow and her hair is an enormous floofy mess. She likes chocolate! She elbows people in the face, yet can scale rooftops when necessary! (And the clumsiness comes about when she's self-conscious or not paying attention--well done, Disney!) She even makes a bad decision over a boy and is too trusting! I love the fact that she's a bit dumb, too--doesn't always clue into things that are obvious. Finally, she has no doubt about whether she can club a wolf, scare it off with a flaming blanket, or talk sense into her sister. When she finds out her prince isn't so charming after all, she punches him off the side of a boat. She's genuinely brave, warm-hearted, and kind. There are consequences for her actions, but she never gives up on people. She's not just a princess, she's a hero--and somehow, she's not excessively perfect or annoying. And as for her sister...

That One Time Disney had a non-evil queen with magic powers

Let's talk about Elsa as well, the charming and powerful introvert. She's reserved, has been taught a bad habit of keeping her emotions to herself, and isn't forced to marry anyone. Her sister's princessly duties are dealt with, and so are Elsa's. It tears her up that she's hurting her kingdom and her people, but she doesn't know how to stop it. In order to deal with the story, though, she has to not only accept herself and her gift, she has to embrace it publicly and be okay with who she is. This is an awesome self-discovery story, very inspiring for anyone trying to 'come out' as an artist, a person who fits in the QUILTBAG categories, or anyone who has a gift that they don't know how to live with. There are naysayers and people who call her 'monster', but the whole thing is handled with a lot of grace and subtlety. That's good, because the two sisters actually get enough screen time for us to see how their personal stories progress without one of the two being sidelined.

Oh, and HOLY SHIT AWESOME MAGICAL POWERS THAT ARE ACTUALLY DEADLY. I don't need to say anything else about that.

Source. Sure, she looks cute, but fucking ice spikes, man. 

Jane Austen would be proud: how Frozen references Sense and Sensibility

I am a noted Jane Austen fan, and while S&S is not my favorite, I squeed when I realised that Frozen had lifted some of its plot from this excellent novel. The older, restrained, introvert sister Elinor? Sounds like Elsa. The young, impetuous sister who falls in love too fast, to her detriment? Marianne and Anna--that can't be a coincidence. If it is, I'll eat my hat (and my hat collection is fantastic, I'll have you know). There's also the fact that thematically, Elsa's introversion and emotional restraint backfire, while Anna's impetuosity and romantic nature also lead her into trouble. It was a nice dichotomy and a great reference. 

Oh yeah, the plot and the other things

I could spend this entire post talking about the fact that they used the 3D subtly and properly. It felt like it was really snowing, I caught myself wiping away water when it splashed, and I could have sworn the theatre got cold a few times. They used colour themes properly. Since the setting involved white people, Disney relaxed and went all out with the design. They almost never drop the ball on design, but this was still exceptionally beautiful. 

The music was better than it has been in any Disney movie for a long-ass time, with Idina Menzel's chops shown off to full advantage. (There was onion-cutting, as I said.) And oh god, they remembered how musicals work; the songs didn't feel forced, unlike in TPaTF. 

There were also references to my childhood favorite from Fox and Don Bluth, Anastasia. At one point, I looked at the tousle-haired, grumpy blond Kristoff and said to Andrey, "they made a Disney prince version of you!" Both male love interests and the bait-and-switch villain were sympathetic--subtly, they made the grumpy old British guy with the mustache both sympathetic and a villain--and they didn't fuck up the trolls too badly. There were satires on marriage, some important lessons about believing in yourself and not falling for love at first sight, and a really solid lesson on family that built on Brave's foundation. I don't even need to say that it passed the Bechdel, but hell, I'll give it points for that. Oh, and they worked in imperfection with the parents! 

Source.  I like to believe this guy actually gored those annoying fucking moose from Brother Bear to death in a cut scene, because this reindeer actually makes sense.

Okay, so 'perfect' might be a strong word...

I can't really ignore the whole cultural appropriation thing or the fact that Disney once again played it safe. While it has been confirmed that Kristoff is Saami, the portrayal of one of the indigenous peoples of the Scandinavian countries has been met with ire from both Tumblr and people of Saami descent. I can understand and sympathize with that--Disney does, after all, have a long and storied record of culture-mangling.

However, I think a lot of the angry Tumblrites missed something--Disney is making an honest effort in this case. A Saami composer was involved with the film, and Kristoff is an incredibly normal character. He is a reindeer herder, but there was nothing about him that--to my admittedly North American mind--flagged him as a horribly offensive stereotype. Not only that, he plays a love interest, not just a side-kick, and as noted above, he was an excellent character. So really, Disney mucked it up, but they're trying. They're actually trying now, you guys. Not to mention that they're implying a princess will be marrying this minority character from a population met with discrimination. Oh, and the actor? Yes, he's white, but he's the first openly gay voice actor to play a Disney prince.

Final Verdict?

If you haven't clued in that I honestly give this movie a perfect 10/10, let me make that explicit. I listed off the things that worked in a rushed paragraph at the start, but let me make it clear--this was pretty much a perfect movie. Half an hour of discussion with my fellow history-geek boyfriend, and the only real nitpicks were historical niceties like the incorrect (?) lack of guns for the approximately 19th century setting and some possible anachronisms with the paintings. And yes, they're both perfectly beautiful, but do we really need to go over the 'Disney makes girls look perfect' thing again? Extra points for the minimal showing of cleavage, though. I will also mention that the thing about Elsa remembering was sort of...cut, I guess, but enh, I can forgive them a dropped plot thread when everything else was so tight. 

So, is this a good holiday movie? Definitely. You can even watch it in summer, and you don't have to be in the mood for Christmas to watch it, either! 

*****

Thanks for dropping by the nest once again. Don't miss any of the phuquerie. Find Michelle on Twitter, Facebook, and on Tumblr. More interviews and witty commentaries are coming. Keep checking back to see those surprise posts, too. This is your darling SciFiMagpie, over and out! 

Missed It: Coyote Kings of the Space Age Bachelor Pad

I have been meaning to read Coyote Kings of the Space Age Bachelor Pad since it came out 8 years ago (in 2004). Finally this weekend I found a copy and put down the cash. There were a couple of Chuck Palaniuk-y moment that made my stomach go squish garble urk, and some stutters and falters in tone and such. However, the tone is good, characters are witty and self-aware without being precious, and the atmosphere is addictive. Time for the breakdown! Also a greasy yet cute picture of the most common four-legged predator in the Canadian praries.

Thanks, Wiki!

Summary: A couple of young North African kids, one a school dropout and the other a mad scientist, spend their days making neighbourhood children happy and being quietly awesome. That is, until their peaceful Edmontonian existence is disrupted by a mysterious chick, the drug ring chasing her, and some epic WTF surrounding an ancient artefact jar of ulimate McGuffin power. Also there is a bit of cannibalism and some emotionally resonant struggles with growing up/dealing with 'sad violin' topics in one's personal history.

Pros: Likeable main characters. Hamza and Yehat are different guys and although the story is centred on Hamza, Yehat isn't fully relegated to the role of a sidekick. They are pretty well-developed, idiosyncratic, and memorable.

The goons are also a lot of fun to read about. Pow-Zap character profiles preceding each new first person character keep the muliple narrators relatively easy to follow. The villains themselves are surprisingly well-developed specimens of ordinary human evil, complete with Feelings, Ambition, 'n' Stuff!

The atmosphere is probably the best part. The bizarre mix of Norse and Egyptian mythology with a North African backbeat works surprisingly well. The technology sections show their age, but practically everything works. It is hard to find African/non-American/Eurocentric sci-fi, so the vibe is very cool. Also I really want Ethiopian food right now.

Cons: Sheremnefer is also interesting, but what happens to her is predictable and kind of disappointing. A coupke of things here wer, such as

SPOILER ALERT INCOMING!

McGuffin desctruction and NO Happy Endings For Immortals rules coming into effect.

SPOILER MODE DEACTIVATED.

Yehat's intriguing mechanical fuckery wth the R-Mer gets exploration, but not as much as I would have liked, somehow. Also, Hamza is trapped in the past, but development of this is wobbly amd in retrospect it sometimes feels uneven. At least it feels like the character forcing himself to sulk and whimper rather than the author forcing him.

The only forced bit is the wacky sci-fi tomfoolery with the FanBoys and the new recruIts. The book went a lttle too far into the comic book side there. Too much POw-zap during an emotional peak detracted from the poignancy. Its hard to worry for characters when crazy Australians and fascists are tHrowing around swastika boomerangs.

Final Verdict: 7 out of 10. Totally worth a read, and Minister Faust has a really cool and unconventional style, but there were some hard-to-identify yet definite flaws. Still, it is a refreshig change and the Canadian setting is a lot of fun. The thing that would have bumped this novel to an 8 or even a 9 would have been a comic book or graphic novel format.

Well, that's our show for tonight. For more fun, reviews, writing teasers, and general lulz, be sure to come back, or follow me on Twitter at SciFiMagpie. And don't forget to link me to people, because your mother always told you it was polite to share. See you later!