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Saturday, 3 January 2015

Canadian Facts: An Unrelated Diversion

Hello hello!

Today I have an unrelated diversion, inspired by our upstairs neighbours. While the Canadian goose, beaver, and moose are all famous and well-recognized symbols of Canada, one of our most common species--which comes in all genders and ethnicities--has not often been catalogued. I present to you--the Common Hoser.

Common Hoser (Acer vulgaris)

The Common Hoser, once believed to be a faltering breed, is still alive and well in most of Canada. Its range is extremely broad, encompassing the entire country, even northern and coastal extremities. Most specimens observed in the wild are male, but females have been recorded. Age ranges run between approximately 10 years old (juvenile hoser larva) and 90 years old (ancient hoser; often called a "coot").  Working at gas stations, on gas rigs, fishing boats, on construction sites, and on farms, the Common Hoser presents a wide array of skin tones and apparent origins. However, the breed can be distinguished from others by its leathery skin, which is uniformly so regardless of occupation or apparent origin.

There is nothing it cannot fix with duct tape.

Its food groups include the following: Molson or Beer beer, maple syrup, smokes, bacon, and Timmy's. It has been observed to partake in marijuana as well from time to time. Young hosers are often more adventurous and omnivorous in their diet, but all examples of the species demonstrate a clear predilection for fried foods.

It has seven plaid shirts in his closet, and an eighth, which is the formal plaid. While other invasive species, such as the Common Hipster, and the more elusive Lumberjack, also favour this attire, the Common Hoser wears its preferred coat with a certain grease-stained and frayed, paint-splattered aplomb which indicates its species from a distance.

The minute October arrives, its parka is surgically attached to his skin and is not shed until May. Even if it's actually too warm for the coat, they'll wear that parka.

The normal volume range of the Common Hoser is approximately 60-100 Decibels, and the cries of the Common Hoser ("Fuckin' Eh! Yeah, Man!") can be heard for over 2 km in fair weather.

The breeding period of the Common Hoser coincides with hockey season, a sacred mating ritual for many Canadians. Hosers, however, swarm in ever-increasing numbers during this period, and only recede somewhat in spring.

At present, in deep winter, the Common Hoser is invaluable for its ability to keep basic services running for other species and subspecies of Canadians. Hosers--you are loud and sometimes irritating, but we salute you.

Thanks for dropping by the nest once again. Leave your comments, rebuttals, and vehement agreements below. Don't miss any of the phuquerie. Find Michelle on TwitterFacebook, and on Tumblr, and find her work on Amazon. Check back on the blog to see when one of the irregular posts has careened onto your feed. This is the one and only SciFiMagpie, over and out! 


  1. Deeeelightful! Sounds like the Common Hoser may very well be an offshoot of the Rednekkid species, native to more southern climes.

  2. God bless all Hosers. Life would be monochrome and dismally boring without them. I've know a few wannabees but they never quite made the grade. Blessings, from a Canadian country gal.

  3. I was annoyed with our neighbours' loud noises...and had to jot this down. And it must be said that hosers are a vital part of Canada's economic biosphere.


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