Well, this will be the last post in my findom series.
Today, I want to cover the ups and downs of findom and how it relates to other coping mechanisms - both healthy and unhealthy ones. I've been out of the scene for a while, but I couldn't leave this article unfinished, so here we are.
I've alluded to the issue of findom as an addiction previously. The men I spoke to would often talk about a compulsive need to send - an urge that had to be fought and dealt with through distractions and mental discipline. Even completely broke men were interested in the fetish - far from being merely the purview of rich men, it seems that the rich tend to be focused on in these stories. That completely ignores the experiences and reality of the fetish and related sex work - but that's nothing new; it's common to see reporting focus on those of means and the most extreme versions of stories, rather than the hard-scrabble and complex reality of things.
Yes, findom can be addicting - but that doesn't make it inherently morally wrong. However, the exchange of attention and power play for money may add an extra layer of risk. There is something about the combination of factors that appears to be intoxicating.
As far as the mechanics of addiction, however, findom more closely resembles shopping addiction - something I myself have experience with - or gambling than, say, "sex addiction" (which was not included in the DSM-V, despite heated debate on the topic). Although addiction to pornography is also under debate regarding its veracity, both sexuality and the use of pornography can fall under the diagnostic criteria of non-substance based addictions.
With the caveat that this blog post does not constitute diagnostic criteria, and that it cannot and should not be used to provide a diagnosis, let me explain how behavioral addictions work. A behavioral addiction involves a compulsion to engage with a rewarding non-substance-based (as in, non drug or alcohol-based) behaviour, despite negative consequences to one's mental, physical, or financial wellbeing. These are sometimes considered impulse control disorders, but ultimately, they use the same neurological architecture as substance-based addictions, hijacking the brain's natural reward network.
Non-physical addictive processes include sensitization or desensitization - either an increased or a decreased response resulting from continued or long-term exposure to a behavior or substance (resulting in either an amped-up response to small amounts of the behavior or substance, or needing more of an activity or substance to get the same effect); tolerance of increasing amounts of a behaviour over time; withdrawal symptoms on cessation or decreased use of a behaviour (such as anxiety, insomnia, irritability, etc); psychological and social or interpersonal negative consequences as a result of the behaviour; damage to relationships (such as from hiding the costs of an addiction and deceiving a loved one); and of course, compulsive participation in and obsession over the behaviour.
As you might be able to tell from this (very, very brief) description, pretty much any behaviour can become unhealthy if it becomes a sole coping mechanism for dealing with other problems. As I experienced, one of the most dangerous and deceptive elements of an addiction is denial. Thinking something isn't really a problem, not recognizing how much time and money you're devoting to it, ignoring the effects it's having on your mental state and your life - these things really add up. Worse, an addiction feels like a treatment for an existing life problem, but the escape is only temporary - and does nothing to actually solve real life problems.
Of course, the problem with an addiction is that it doesn't actually make things better - it just distracts you from the pain or anxiety, while actually adding to the burden of problems to deal with.
The American Psychiatric Association and other bodies associated with the field have declared that, no, they aren't - for nearly all people, and arguably, all people to an extent - masturbation, sexual fantasies, partner activities, and other forms of sexuality are not only healthy and normal, they're basic human needs. There are a few completely asexual people who don't experience sexual desire, attraction, or even the urge to masturbate or fantasize under any circumstances, but even many asexual people, who may or may not experience sexual attraction at all (or to certain degrees), participate in some form of masturbation or fantasizing.
But to veer away from the dickering about sexual identity categorization, let's talk about the healthy thing I keep mentioning. Surprise! It's BDSM!
Because consent and discussion are essential and inextricable components of the roleplay and scenes, they create and offer practice in communication skills. Talking about taboo subjects and having to outline one's precise expectations and needs has great value to ordinary life. Clearly communicating how much is good, too much, or on the borderline creates a practice of greater self-awareness for one's needs, preferences, and tolerance. It also creates opportunities for painful experiences in a safe environment. Human brains really like simulations and practice-runs for solving problems and dealing with them, which is one of the theories about why we dream, and is certainly one of the reasons we find fiction and roleplay games so compelling. (Incidentally, Dungeons and Dragons also has been shown to create positive outcomes and provide opportunities to develop leadership and problem-solving skills. It's been used to excellent effect in both prisons and with school children!)
The thing about BDSM is that it provides a safe environment in which to experience pain and extreme sensations and emotions - unlike abuse, which occurs without consent, discussion, or healthy boundaries. In fact, it looks like BDSM actually makes you a healthier person through participation - and the mechanics of how and why it feels good are absolutely fascinating.
But not everyone is ready to or able to pursue BDSM in person, or has access to a dungeon and equipment - so for them, online pornography and roleplay often fill the gap.
Ultimately, the answer to this is two-fold - a), seeking help for a behavioural addiction can be painful and embarrassing, but it's necessary for recovery, and should not be stigmatized; and b) there are people who make a lot of money from pushing certain moral perspectives about pornography, sex work, and conflating/associating all human trafficking with sex trafficking (even though sex trafficking makes up a small minority of human trafficking worldwide, being mostly composed of domestic services and agricultural labour). Unfortunately, even far left progressive ideologies have been infiltrated with anti-sex work rhetoric, including some Marxist circles and parts of feminism. (That's a discussion for another time - and believe me, it's coming.)
Ultimately, the salaciousness and fearfulness about financial domination tends to circle back around to very old motifs and storylines. The underprivileged and desperate woman trying to get by; the ignorant young girl trapped in a lifestyle by happenstance; the conniving, aging prostitute determined to shatter as many marriages and control as many men as possible as some form of revenge or sick fulfillment - these figures are, as always, more archetypal than realistic. Sure, they may contain hints of truth from time to time, but real human experiences can seldom be expressed with the thin and gaudy paper puppetry of sensationalised rhetoric.
Above all, if you want to pursue a fetish or interest, try to ask people in the world about how to stay safe. Google as much as you can, and try to pick peer-reviewed sites or those with established reputations when getting your facts - rather than, say, "RealChristianMoms.Com" or other spurious websites.
And remember - sex work is just work.
A quick note: if you or a loved one are experiencing a behavioural addiction, or you think you may be sliding towards it, seeking help from a registered psychologist and/or psychiatrist is strongly advisable. Counselling is great, and affordable options like Betterhelp.com and other outlets are an excellent way to deal with anxiety and other mental health problems.
Today, I want to cover the ups and downs of findom and how it relates to other coping mechanisms - both healthy and unhealthy ones. I've been out of the scene for a while, but I couldn't leave this article unfinished, so here we are.
I've alluded to the issue of findom as an addiction previously. The men I spoke to would often talk about a compulsive need to send - an urge that had to be fought and dealt with through distractions and mental discipline. Even completely broke men were interested in the fetish - far from being merely the purview of rich men, it seems that the rich tend to be focused on in these stories. That completely ignores the experiences and reality of the fetish and related sex work - but that's nothing new; it's common to see reporting focus on those of means and the most extreme versions of stories, rather than the hard-scrabble and complex reality of things.
Can it be addicting?
Yes, findom can be addicting - but that doesn't make it inherently morally wrong. However, the exchange of attention and power play for money may add an extra layer of risk. There is something about the combination of factors that appears to be intoxicating.
As far as the mechanics of addiction, however, findom more closely resembles shopping addiction - something I myself have experience with - or gambling than, say, "sex addiction" (which was not included in the DSM-V, despite heated debate on the topic). Although addiction to pornography is also under debate regarding its veracity, both sexuality and the use of pornography can fall under the diagnostic criteria of non-substance based addictions.
With the caveat that this blog post does not constitute diagnostic criteria, and that it cannot and should not be used to provide a diagnosis, let me explain how behavioral addictions work. A behavioral addiction involves a compulsion to engage with a rewarding non-substance-based (as in, non drug or alcohol-based) behaviour, despite negative consequences to one's mental, physical, or financial wellbeing. These are sometimes considered impulse control disorders, but ultimately, they use the same neurological architecture as substance-based addictions, hijacking the brain's natural reward network.
Non-physical addictive processes include sensitization or desensitization - either an increased or a decreased response resulting from continued or long-term exposure to a behavior or substance (resulting in either an amped-up response to small amounts of the behavior or substance, or needing more of an activity or substance to get the same effect); tolerance of increasing amounts of a behaviour over time; withdrawal symptoms on cessation or decreased use of a behaviour (such as anxiety, insomnia, irritability, etc); psychological and social or interpersonal negative consequences as a result of the behaviour; damage to relationships (such as from hiding the costs of an addiction and deceiving a loved one); and of course, compulsive participation in and obsession over the behaviour.
As you might be able to tell from this (very, very brief) description, pretty much any behaviour can become unhealthy if it becomes a sole coping mechanism for dealing with other problems. As I experienced, one of the most dangerous and deceptive elements of an addiction is denial. Thinking something isn't really a problem, not recognizing how much time and money you're devoting to it, ignoring the effects it's having on your mental state and your life - these things really add up. Worse, an addiction feels like a treatment for an existing life problem, but the escape is only temporary - and does nothing to actually solve real life problems.
Of course, the problem with an addiction is that it doesn't actually make things better - it just distracts you from the pain or anxiety, while actually adding to the burden of problems to deal with.
But are all sex-related activities bad for you?
The American Psychiatric Association and other bodies associated with the field have declared that, no, they aren't - for nearly all people, and arguably, all people to an extent - masturbation, sexual fantasies, partner activities, and other forms of sexuality are not only healthy and normal, they're basic human needs. There are a few completely asexual people who don't experience sexual desire, attraction, or even the urge to masturbate or fantasize under any circumstances, but even many asexual people, who may or may not experience sexual attraction at all (or to certain degrees), participate in some form of masturbation or fantasizing.
But to veer away from the dickering about sexual identity categorization, let's talk about the healthy thing I keep mentioning. Surprise! It's BDSM!
Fifty shades of therapy
Unexpectedly, despite the portrayal of BDSM participants as "broken people" or "psychopaths" - thank youuu, Psychopathia Sexualis, you poisonous and outdated old bit of moralistic clap-trap - BDSM actually has therapeutic benefits.Because consent and discussion are essential and inextricable components of the roleplay and scenes, they create and offer practice in communication skills. Talking about taboo subjects and having to outline one's precise expectations and needs has great value to ordinary life. Clearly communicating how much is good, too much, or on the borderline creates a practice of greater self-awareness for one's needs, preferences, and tolerance. It also creates opportunities for painful experiences in a safe environment. Human brains really like simulations and practice-runs for solving problems and dealing with them, which is one of the theories about why we dream, and is certainly one of the reasons we find fiction and roleplay games so compelling. (Incidentally, Dungeons and Dragons also has been shown to create positive outcomes and provide opportunities to develop leadership and problem-solving skills. It's been used to excellent effect in both prisons and with school children!)
The thing about BDSM is that it provides a safe environment in which to experience pain and extreme sensations and emotions - unlike abuse, which occurs without consent, discussion, or healthy boundaries. In fact, it looks like BDSM actually makes you a healthier person through participation - and the mechanics of how and why it feels good are absolutely fascinating.
But not everyone is ready to or able to pursue BDSM in person, or has access to a dungeon and equipment - so for them, online pornography and roleplay often fill the gap.
So, is findom or porn addiction something to worry about?
Ultimately, the answer to this is two-fold - a), seeking help for a behavioural addiction can be painful and embarrassing, but it's necessary for recovery, and should not be stigmatized; and b) there are people who make a lot of money from pushing certain moral perspectives about pornography, sex work, and conflating/associating all human trafficking with sex trafficking (even though sex trafficking makes up a small minority of human trafficking worldwide, being mostly composed of domestic services and agricultural labour). Unfortunately, even far left progressive ideologies have been infiltrated with anti-sex work rhetoric, including some Marxist circles and parts of feminism. (That's a discussion for another time - and believe me, it's coming.)
Ultimately, the salaciousness and fearfulness about financial domination tends to circle back around to very old motifs and storylines. The underprivileged and desperate woman trying to get by; the ignorant young girl trapped in a lifestyle by happenstance; the conniving, aging prostitute determined to shatter as many marriages and control as many men as possible as some form of revenge or sick fulfillment - these figures are, as always, more archetypal than realistic. Sure, they may contain hints of truth from time to time, but real human experiences can seldom be expressed with the thin and gaudy paper puppetry of sensationalised rhetoric.
Above all, if you want to pursue a fetish or interest, try to ask people in the world about how to stay safe. Google as much as you can, and try to pick peer-reviewed sites or those with established reputations when getting your facts - rather than, say, "RealChristianMoms.Com" or other spurious websites.
And remember - sex work is just work.
***
Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and Max the cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people's manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.
