As I alluded to last week, sugar daddies have made their way into fiction. In an era of economic strife and strain, it's not very surprising to notice a growing trend for fantasies about a romantic figure who can offer parental levels of protection and safety with fiscal security and luxuries.
I decided to watch a bunch of news coverage and various stories about sugar babies to see how they were being portrayed - especially compared to "normal girls."
Now, I will refer mostly to "men" and "women" in this article, but remember that many sex workers are non-binary or trans. I haven't run into any submissive or dominant non-men participating in findom - with the exception of a couple of other dommes who were submissive to a particular powerhouse domme by the name of "Miss Leora" on Twitter - so I have referred to the sugar daddies here with masculine pronouns and the term "men". Now, with that caveat out of the way, let's talk about how the world sees sugar babies, both as reporters and in fiction.
Compare and contrast these two videos - the first, featuring a very archetypal sugar baby (with no acknowledgement that just perhaps, she might be portraying herself as a fetish character rather than showing every side of her personality) and the second, featuring a young woman who stumbled into the lifestyle, and isn't a serious, career baby (as far as I can tell).
The sexual fetish for "bimbos" - which comes from the Italian term "bambino" - is often linked to the sugar lifestyle, but it's not necessarily part of it. Because sugars are submissive in their role, the highly sexualised, frivolous, apparently unintelligent behaviour is as much a part of the fantasy as the oversized breasts, puffy lips, luxuriant hair, and surgically altered features. It doesn't necessarily represent the actual personality of the woman - a mistake often made in media portrayals and interviews.
Sugar babies on screen are often presented as either conniving "gold digger" con-artists, brainless sex toys with no self-respect, or completely depraved, cold-blooded women who don't care about themselves. It's weird to see reporters buy into the personas the girls portray - but it's also weird, because reporters and media ought to be critical, and not just share the stage-face, the sensationalized, abstracted self.
In contrast, most romance novels have a strong bias towards portraying their protagonists as "normal girls." Of course, it's okay to be a sugar baby if you fall into it by accident, as a vast number of romance novels show. Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Gray series could be considered a sugar baby, but she's so earnestly ignorant of her own charms - in the way that 19th century male authors slavered over, of course - that she falls into the "Completely Normal Girl" category. And since most women think of themselves as normal, or at least, as protagonists - which is fine! - the wish-fulfillment storylines often pit a gold-digging, bimbo-esque, or cold-blooded character as an antagonist to the Normal Girl main character.
Naturally, the "marriage of convenience," "marriage to avoid scandal," and similar tropes do overlap with sugaring - especially because the hero is usually financially well-off - but are rarely portrayed as such.
Frustratingly, in the real world, "not like other girls" issues are still rife in the industry. Considering that actual sugars and fin dommes, and even other sex workers all tend to throw shade on each other's professions, it's pretty frustrating. Honestly, there's no point in it, and seeing oneself as better than "whores" - whoever that is - or "bimbos" or even "regular" women is terribly counter-productive, and only leads to a lack of solidarity. However, the strong Christian community within the Romance industry works directly against any sense of solidarity or respect for sex workers, and creates a sense of scorn and disgust, as well as pity. Focusing on "trafficking" narratives and lack of self-determination - something present in Dark Romance in abundance - also provides a sensationalized and distorted perspective on both sex workers and peripheral erotic labour.
"It's not prostitution! It's a relationship! But I'm fine with escorting..." comes the frequent cry. We need to examine why we're so scared of prostitution and sex work, and why it's always portrayed negatively or fearfully.
I've already touched on the fact that sugaring isn't nearly as easy, straightforward, or easy as it seems, but a frustrating thing about fiction is that main characters fall into the relationships with incredible ease. In contrast, fan fiction writers will address the existence of sugar daddy websites and such. Sometimes romance authors will allude to the futility of prior dating experiences, but the actual relationship tends to fall together with unrealistic ease. Even though many of the books on the market are just written by ghost writers and crafted by multiple individuals, I would encourage fellow ghost-writers and individual romance novelists to actually research the industry and area, rather than assuming that the existing tropes are in any way realistic.
Sure, it's a fantasy, but sometimes fantasies are people's only exposure to an area, profession, or anything else. People don't assume that doctors are lusty hunks trying to flirt with their patients - and those who do are clearly unaware of something called "an ethics violation and lawsuit."
I'm sure many readers are balking at the implied comparison between misunderstanding doctors and misunderstanding sex workers, but even that disgust and disbelief underlines my point. We don't give real people in these industries nearly enough credit and respect - and it hurts them and us.
The thing is, it's super easy to fix. Just don't make jokes about dead hookers, read a few Vice articles about sex work, and check out sites actually run by and for sex workers, like Tits and Sass. Obviously, there's a ton of issues within sex work and representation online, so there's no magic bullet, but fixing our own habits of shaming each other for sexual promiscuity and our assumptions that most sex workers are, for example, strung-out losers on drugs - even if "you know someone that happened to, for real!" - will help a great deal.
After all, we have nothing to lose by respecting each other, listening to each other, and not treating other women as antagonists. In turn, if men are held accountable for their own behaviour (rather than blaming women who "tempt" them), all of us will be safer and experience more respect.
I decided to watch a bunch of news coverage and various stories about sugar babies to see how they were being portrayed - especially compared to "normal girls."
Now, I will refer mostly to "men" and "women" in this article, but remember that many sex workers are non-binary or trans. I haven't run into any submissive or dominant non-men participating in findom - with the exception of a couple of other dommes who were submissive to a particular powerhouse domme by the name of "Miss Leora" on Twitter - so I have referred to the sugar daddies here with masculine pronouns and the term "men". Now, with that caveat out of the way, let's talk about how the world sees sugar babies, both as reporters and in fiction.
Compare and contrast these two videos - the first, featuring a very archetypal sugar baby (with no acknowledgement that just perhaps, she might be portraying herself as a fetish character rather than showing every side of her personality) and the second, featuring a young woman who stumbled into the lifestyle, and isn't a serious, career baby (as far as I can tell).
Media
The sexual fetish for "bimbos" - which comes from the Italian term "bambino" - is often linked to the sugar lifestyle, but it's not necessarily part of it. Because sugars are submissive in their role, the highly sexualised, frivolous, apparently unintelligent behaviour is as much a part of the fantasy as the oversized breasts, puffy lips, luxuriant hair, and surgically altered features. It doesn't necessarily represent the actual personality of the woman - a mistake often made in media portrayals and interviews.
Sugar babies on screen are often presented as either conniving "gold digger" con-artists, brainless sex toys with no self-respect, or completely depraved, cold-blooded women who don't care about themselves. It's weird to see reporters buy into the personas the girls portray - but it's also weird, because reporters and media ought to be critical, and not just share the stage-face, the sensationalized, abstracted self.
Millionaires, billionaires, and lords
In contrast, most romance novels have a strong bias towards portraying their protagonists as "normal girls." Of course, it's okay to be a sugar baby if you fall into it by accident, as a vast number of romance novels show. Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Gray series could be considered a sugar baby, but she's so earnestly ignorant of her own charms - in the way that 19th century male authors slavered over, of course - that she falls into the "Completely Normal Girl" category. And since most women think of themselves as normal, or at least, as protagonists - which is fine! - the wish-fulfillment storylines often pit a gold-digging, bimbo-esque, or cold-blooded character as an antagonist to the Normal Girl main character.
Naturally, the "marriage of convenience," "marriage to avoid scandal," and similar tropes do overlap with sugaring - especially because the hero is usually financially well-off - but are rarely portrayed as such.
From fiction to reality
Frustratingly, in the real world, "not like other girls" issues are still rife in the industry. Considering that actual sugars and fin dommes, and even other sex workers all tend to throw shade on each other's professions, it's pretty frustrating. Honestly, there's no point in it, and seeing oneself as better than "whores" - whoever that is - or "bimbos" or even "regular" women is terribly counter-productive, and only leads to a lack of solidarity. However, the strong Christian community within the Romance industry works directly against any sense of solidarity or respect for sex workers, and creates a sense of scorn and disgust, as well as pity. Focusing on "trafficking" narratives and lack of self-determination - something present in Dark Romance in abundance - also provides a sensationalized and distorted perspective on both sex workers and peripheral erotic labour.
"It's not prostitution! It's a relationship! But I'm fine with escorting..." comes the frequent cry. We need to examine why we're so scared of prostitution and sex work, and why it's always portrayed negatively or fearfully.
What's the real deal?
I've already touched on the fact that sugaring isn't nearly as easy, straightforward, or easy as it seems, but a frustrating thing about fiction is that main characters fall into the relationships with incredible ease. In contrast, fan fiction writers will address the existence of sugar daddy websites and such. Sometimes romance authors will allude to the futility of prior dating experiences, but the actual relationship tends to fall together with unrealistic ease. Even though many of the books on the market are just written by ghost writers and crafted by multiple individuals, I would encourage fellow ghost-writers and individual romance novelists to actually research the industry and area, rather than assuming that the existing tropes are in any way realistic.
Sure, it's a fantasy, but sometimes fantasies are people's only exposure to an area, profession, or anything else. People don't assume that doctors are lusty hunks trying to flirt with their patients - and those who do are clearly unaware of something called "an ethics violation and lawsuit."
I'm sure many readers are balking at the implied comparison between misunderstanding doctors and misunderstanding sex workers, but even that disgust and disbelief underlines my point. We don't give real people in these industries nearly enough credit and respect - and it hurts them and us.
The thing is, it's super easy to fix. Just don't make jokes about dead hookers, read a few Vice articles about sex work, and check out sites actually run by and for sex workers, like Tits and Sass. Obviously, there's a ton of issues within sex work and representation online, so there's no magic bullet, but fixing our own habits of shaming each other for sexual promiscuity and our assumptions that most sex workers are, for example, strung-out losers on drugs - even if "you know someone that happened to, for real!" - will help a great deal.
After all, we have nothing to lose by respecting each other, listening to each other, and not treating other women as antagonists. In turn, if men are held accountable for their own behaviour (rather than blaming women who "tempt" them), all of us will be safer and experience more respect.
***
Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and Max the cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people's manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.
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As always, be excellent unto others, and don't be a dick.