I hope you're ready for some doozies.
Reader's Advisory: Names and locations will be changed for these brief profiles and anecdotes to preserve the anonymity of my sources and respect their privacy. Some profanity and allusions to kink and sexual content are included; discretion is advised.
The Gross Man - This Indian Subcontinent-based submissive had a fetish for roleplays in which he and his grandchildren were tortured or humiliated (no children were harmed in the process; I interrogated him to ascertain as much). He claimed to be very, very wealthy, and had a text from his bank (probably fraudulent) that said as much. He made large purchases from my Amazon wishlist and bought a Samsung S10+ without being asked for it - but refused to send anything over Paypal. The reason soon became apparent - he hadn't purchased anything, or if he had, it had been refunded immediately. At any rate, it never arrived in my American forwarding mailbox. Some research on Twitter revealed that in addition to loving humiliation and class-based roleplay, he had run this con on other dommes. Cursing my bad luck, I resolved to be more careful.
The Mother-Loving Mormon - Outwardly a MAGA-following Mormon with serious racist tendencies, I told this sub outright that his political beliefs made me want to humiliate him. (Aggression and rudeness are quite acceptable in certain contexts within the community, of course.) In private, he was intrigued, and we had a much more reasonable discussion. He admitted to being romantically in love with his mother, and wanting her to dominate and control him. With fetishes for blasphemy, public-shaming, and scat, as well as a more innocent and humorous adoration of buttons, he was well-aware of his repressed desires and their taboo nature.
Reasoning that he was just trying to break out of his cage and the excessive adoration of his mother, I resolved to help as much as I could. Supportively talking with him about the importance of compassion, taking him through roleplays and soothing aftercare visualizations, I was proud of the self-examination he seemed to be making. Unlike The Gross Man and Young Twat, he did send me a small tribute - $10 on Amazon, which I used to buy a gold-plated necklace on the website. I had high hopes for him - he asked for help to be a better person, less racist, and even expressed kind thoughts towards LGBTQ+ people in private.
Then he apparently confessed his love to his mother, was kicked out, and went to a hotel to get drunk. I suggested the best resources I could and expressed my empathy and sympathy, resolving to keep an eye on him for his own safety. He blocked me unexpectedly, and I'm unsure what happened to him. Perhaps he backslid? Perhaps he found a new domme? It's always hard to know, but all I could do was hope he found the assistance he so desperately needed.
Young Twat - Posing as a Canadian, age 24 and residing in Vernon, BC, this scoundrel drew out our communications for over a month. Baiting me with offers of substantial pay for things like toenail clippings, plucked hairs, scabs, and excreta (the latter of which, I demurred over), he responded with excitement and enthusiasm to my most brutal tones. Sure that I had a steady-paying sub in my grasp, I kept teasing and baiting him - even staying awake to make him go to the bank and deposit his pay.
Unfortunately, he had been running a con, and blocked me immediately. Frustrated, I had some of my fellow dommes contact him - only to have him shuffle back sheepishly. He revealed that he was broke, 18, from London - and had run the same scam on many, many other dommes and even a few "cashmasters" (male doms in the findom scene).
After a tongue-lashing that pulled on my roleplay experience, weird horror writing, knowledge of true crime, and a healthy dose of "listen here you little shit"-style wisdom, I terrified him into swearing that he would respect sex workers, trans women, the disabled, immigrants, and anyone else being hurt or at a social disadvantage, that he would treat his girlfriend and mother well, and that he would delete his accounts and stay off of findom Twitter for one year. He whined and pleaded to stay on, but his apparently compulsive lying and general attitude suggested that he had much bigger problems than being overly entitled. I tried to persuade him to get counselling without apparent success - but suggesting that he try in-person bdsm and join a community did seem to take root.
At any rate, his online days were done. My tweets about him got quite a bit of traction, and his goose was definitely cooked. I didn't trust him, and warned my fellow dommes that he might return with a new name.
In part, there's a really poor communication system amongst findoms and other sex workers. It can be hard to spread word about bad clients (thanks, SESTA/FOSTA). The problem of men who make multiple accounts to scam dommes is ubiquitous. One fraudster used the same techniques and different profiles to run scams and pretend to pay multiple times on a Kik group, targeting a specific goddess (below; NuclearMistress) of whom he seemed enamored.
Since it's an unregulated industry with no entry requirements, dommes who know nothing other than how to take lingerie selfies and use Facetune can enter the scene. Demeaning other women and failing to learn either terminology or consent and safety rules, some of them develop great followings by selling video clips and pictures as well as doing roleplays. Truculent subs who want to insult a domme will point to such newbies, the "Instadommes," and imply that a domme either isn't worth the money or doesn't know what she's doing. "Findom is dying, the scene is ruined" is a common lament, but the scene itself has grown, and isn't going anywhere. Apparently, the fetish community has more than its share of gatekeepers.
Of course, not all the dommes - even though I was charmed and delighted by many of the ones I chatted with - are immune from problems.
The Literal Infant - Nineteen, British, and pretty, she didn't even know the basics of consent or how bdsm worked. Asking for advice about limits and admitting that she'd found the scene after an older man from Tinder had given her money, she was alarmingly uneducated. Worried that such a girl could be harmed if she went to a realtime meet-up and was robbed, I popped into her DMs with as much helpful info and advice as I could, as well as a few teaspoons of gently-administered bitter medicine. She took it well, and accepted my advice about educating herself on terminology. She doesn't seem particularly well-suited for the industry, and I advised her that freelance work was substantially better for quick money than findom.
Here's the thing - even non-contact text-based roleplaying has higher skill requirements than you'd think. Knowledge of safety protocols and medical limitations, customer service skills, diplomacy, networking with other dommes, the ability to advertise online, writing skills, photography and film-recording, and modelling - which is not nearly as easy as people assume it is, by the way - all come into play. Plus, many subs are from elsewhere in the world, and there's a lot of "hurry up and wait" and cold-call messaging subs involved if you want to get anywhere.
Imagine working in a retail store where customers think you're doing it for fun and that they don't reaaaally have to pay for the goods on display. In addition, there are no security cameras, payment may be illegal or difficult in some countries, and both of you have to keep your identities separate and secret - even though interactions take place on social media.
I take great joy and pleasure in bringing happiness to other people, and that skill, as well as my knowledge of counselling and my conversational abilities, meant that I actually managed to approach and secure more than a few subs. But with a high bleed and loss rate and my own reluctance to market based on my looks - after all, my verbal abilities are far more commanding - even my higher-than-average success rates and modest income made the whole thing very bleak.
Ultimately, sex work online is an endurance contest. Entering from curiosity, desperation, or both, young women who try any form of erotic labour find themselves utterly abandoned by the system and cut off from the bare minimum of work protections and contract security offered by even freelancing sites.
Ideally, sex work needs to be decriminalized worldwide (something Amnesty International recommends) and there needs to be a recognition that handling niche fetishes requires more training. For that matter, sex work itself is both risky and frustrating. The glamorous and dangerous portrayals in media tend to highlight the drugs and scandalous parts. Yeah, weird things happen, but you get used to that. The biggest problem is the grind and the fact that there are so few rules and protections. Pragmatically speaking, there is money to be made. From a social good standpoint, "ending demand" hasn't worked at any point in the ten thousand years or so of recorded civilization and history - but such rhetoric has resulted in forcing women and vulnerable individuals onto the streets.
We need training programs, certification, diplomas, and courses for people who want to enter the erotic labour market. It's not easy, and it's not unskilled labour. Decriminalization is just the start - to create a safe work environment, we have to treat it, at the very least, like things such as retail or massage businesses. Ideally, society should create an environment where social benefits are so easy to access that people in need don't have to use sex work as a survival industry.
Reader's Advisory: Names and locations will be changed for these brief profiles and anecdotes to preserve the anonymity of my sources and respect their privacy. Some profanity and allusions to kink and sexual content are included; discretion is advised.
The worst and strangest subs
The Gross Man - This Indian Subcontinent-based submissive had a fetish for roleplays in which he and his grandchildren were tortured or humiliated (no children were harmed in the process; I interrogated him to ascertain as much). He claimed to be very, very wealthy, and had a text from his bank (probably fraudulent) that said as much. He made large purchases from my Amazon wishlist and bought a Samsung S10+ without being asked for it - but refused to send anything over Paypal. The reason soon became apparent - he hadn't purchased anything, or if he had, it had been refunded immediately. At any rate, it never arrived in my American forwarding mailbox. Some research on Twitter revealed that in addition to loving humiliation and class-based roleplay, he had run this con on other dommes. Cursing my bad luck, I resolved to be more careful.
The Mother-Loving Mormon - Outwardly a MAGA-following Mormon with serious racist tendencies, I told this sub outright that his political beliefs made me want to humiliate him. (Aggression and rudeness are quite acceptable in certain contexts within the community, of course.) In private, he was intrigued, and we had a much more reasonable discussion. He admitted to being romantically in love with his mother, and wanting her to dominate and control him. With fetishes for blasphemy, public-shaming, and scat, as well as a more innocent and humorous adoration of buttons, he was well-aware of his repressed desires and their taboo nature.
Reasoning that he was just trying to break out of his cage and the excessive adoration of his mother, I resolved to help as much as I could. Supportively talking with him about the importance of compassion, taking him through roleplays and soothing aftercare visualizations, I was proud of the self-examination he seemed to be making. Unlike The Gross Man and Young Twat, he did send me a small tribute - $10 on Amazon, which I used to buy a gold-plated necklace on the website. I had high hopes for him - he asked for help to be a better person, less racist, and even expressed kind thoughts towards LGBTQ+ people in private.
Then he apparently confessed his love to his mother, was kicked out, and went to a hotel to get drunk. I suggested the best resources I could and expressed my empathy and sympathy, resolving to keep an eye on him for his own safety. He blocked me unexpectedly, and I'm unsure what happened to him. Perhaps he backslid? Perhaps he found a new domme? It's always hard to know, but all I could do was hope he found the assistance he so desperately needed.
Young Twat - Posing as a Canadian, age 24 and residing in Vernon, BC, this scoundrel drew out our communications for over a month. Baiting me with offers of substantial pay for things like toenail clippings, plucked hairs, scabs, and excreta (the latter of which, I demurred over), he responded with excitement and enthusiasm to my most brutal tones. Sure that I had a steady-paying sub in my grasp, I kept teasing and baiting him - even staying awake to make him go to the bank and deposit his pay.
Unfortunately, he had been running a con, and blocked me immediately. Frustrated, I had some of my fellow dommes contact him - only to have him shuffle back sheepishly. He revealed that he was broke, 18, from London - and had run the same scam on many, many other dommes and even a few "cashmasters" (male doms in the findom scene).
After a tongue-lashing that pulled on my roleplay experience, weird horror writing, knowledge of true crime, and a healthy dose of "listen here you little shit"-style wisdom, I terrified him into swearing that he would respect sex workers, trans women, the disabled, immigrants, and anyone else being hurt or at a social disadvantage, that he would treat his girlfriend and mother well, and that he would delete his accounts and stay off of findom Twitter for one year. He whined and pleaded to stay on, but his apparently compulsive lying and general attitude suggested that he had much bigger problems than being overly entitled. I tried to persuade him to get counselling without apparent success - but suggesting that he try in-person bdsm and join a community did seem to take root.
At any rate, his online days were done. My tweets about him got quite a bit of traction, and his goose was definitely cooked. I didn't trust him, and warned my fellow dommes that he might return with a new name.
How does this happen?
In part, there's a really poor communication system amongst findoms and other sex workers. It can be hard to spread word about bad clients (thanks, SESTA/FOSTA). The problem of men who make multiple accounts to scam dommes is ubiquitous. One fraudster used the same techniques and different profiles to run scams and pretend to pay multiple times on a Kik group, targeting a specific goddess (below; NuclearMistress) of whom he seemed enamored.
Since it's an unregulated industry with no entry requirements, dommes who know nothing other than how to take lingerie selfies and use Facetune can enter the scene. Demeaning other women and failing to learn either terminology or consent and safety rules, some of them develop great followings by selling video clips and pictures as well as doing roleplays. Truculent subs who want to insult a domme will point to such newbies, the "Instadommes," and imply that a domme either isn't worth the money or doesn't know what she's doing. "Findom is dying, the scene is ruined" is a common lament, but the scene itself has grown, and isn't going anywhere. Apparently, the fetish community has more than its share of gatekeepers.
Of course, not all the dommes - even though I was charmed and delighted by many of the ones I chatted with - are immune from problems.
The Literal Infant - Nineteen, British, and pretty, she didn't even know the basics of consent or how bdsm worked. Asking for advice about limits and admitting that she'd found the scene after an older man from Tinder had given her money, she was alarmingly uneducated. Worried that such a girl could be harmed if she went to a realtime meet-up and was robbed, I popped into her DMs with as much helpful info and advice as I could, as well as a few teaspoons of gently-administered bitter medicine. She took it well, and accepted my advice about educating herself on terminology. She doesn't seem particularly well-suited for the industry, and I advised her that freelance work was substantially better for quick money than findom.
Customer service from Hell
Here's the thing - even non-contact text-based roleplaying has higher skill requirements than you'd think. Knowledge of safety protocols and medical limitations, customer service skills, diplomacy, networking with other dommes, the ability to advertise online, writing skills, photography and film-recording, and modelling - which is not nearly as easy as people assume it is, by the way - all come into play. Plus, many subs are from elsewhere in the world, and there's a lot of "hurry up and wait" and cold-call messaging subs involved if you want to get anywhere.
Imagine working in a retail store where customers think you're doing it for fun and that they don't reaaaally have to pay for the goods on display. In addition, there are no security cameras, payment may be illegal or difficult in some countries, and both of you have to keep your identities separate and secret - even though interactions take place on social media.
I take great joy and pleasure in bringing happiness to other people, and that skill, as well as my knowledge of counselling and my conversational abilities, meant that I actually managed to approach and secure more than a few subs. But with a high bleed and loss rate and my own reluctance to market based on my looks - after all, my verbal abilities are far more commanding - even my higher-than-average success rates and modest income made the whole thing very bleak.
Ultimately, sex work online is an endurance contest. Entering from curiosity, desperation, or both, young women who try any form of erotic labour find themselves utterly abandoned by the system and cut off from the bare minimum of work protections and contract security offered by even freelancing sites.
What should we do?
Ideally, sex work needs to be decriminalized worldwide (something Amnesty International recommends) and there needs to be a recognition that handling niche fetishes requires more training. For that matter, sex work itself is both risky and frustrating. The glamorous and dangerous portrayals in media tend to highlight the drugs and scandalous parts. Yeah, weird things happen, but you get used to that. The biggest problem is the grind and the fact that there are so few rules and protections. Pragmatically speaking, there is money to be made. From a social good standpoint, "ending demand" hasn't worked at any point in the ten thousand years or so of recorded civilization and history - but such rhetoric has resulted in forcing women and vulnerable individuals onto the streets.
We need training programs, certification, diplomas, and courses for people who want to enter the erotic labour market. It's not easy, and it's not unskilled labour. Decriminalization is just the start - to create a safe work environment, we have to treat it, at the very least, like things such as retail or massage businesses. Ideally, society should create an environment where social benefits are so easy to access that people in need don't have to use sex work as a survival industry.
***
Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and Max the cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people's manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.
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As always, be excellent unto others, and don't be a dick.