Fix Your Life: Notes From Reconstruction

Fix Your Life: Notes From Reconstruction

 So, I don't really do self-help, for a variety of reasons, but I've had this article jangling around in my head for a minute. 

I'm in the middle of working on a bunch of health conditions, and changing my lifestyle and habits to actually try and improve or manage them, and I couldn't help but think about how deeply ineffective and frustrating most self-help tends to be. 

This, then, is a quick rundown of techniques I've been relying on and making use of while I've been trying to improve my functionality. 

 

Where I started 

For some context, I've been struggling with really terrible burnout from my editing practice for a few years now. Life stuff happened, it was bad; it left me with mental health scars. I won't bare every inch of my soul for the internet, but suffice to say that the Tolstoy quote about how unhappy families are unhappy in their own way is not that accurate. Trauma can follow exhaustingly repetitive patterns between people's lives. It's not particularly exciting or salacious, although there were a few dramatic moments here and there. 

What matters is, I got better, and I got back to editing, but I also got worse. As anxiety and depression paralysed me and depression weighed me down like pocketfuls of stones, I couldn't finish projects, letting down clients and friends one by one. I dragged my feet, though, terrified to change my career and lose all the progress I'd made. 

I'd been suspecting I was burnt out for years, but I was too scared to let go. My wife's pregnancy, two house moves, and our son's birth let me delay the decision, even though I'd already made my mind up in private. Then I had a mental health backslide a couple of months ago, my partners got together and insisted I deal with my shit, and well, I had to do exactly that. 

 

What I'm doing 

For most of my life, I've struggled with body image and weight issues, with a glaring exception - in the first year of university, I had to bike to school every day and was also swimming regularly, and it made a stark difference in my mental health. Accepting that I needed to work out regularly whether I liked it or not, but not worrying about weight loss or gain, has been shatteringly effective. I've also changed my language around working out, avoiding the term "exercise", which is too loaded with trauma and negative associations for me personally. I considered my options and went with biking and swimming, with a surprise addition of some gardening, which I really enjoy; in addition to some housekeeping and chores, which I was already doing, of course. Biking and swimming make me feel fast, strong, and graceful, and having physical ways to move that make you feel good is absolutely vital. 

You will not fix your life by suffering. You'll just exhaust yourself and end up in the same place you started, or worse. Find ways to move your body that are a) safe for your physical constraints, b) cost-effective, and c) sustainable for you personally. One person's torture is another person's pleasure, and vice versa. Don't just do what everyone says you should do if you absolutely fucking hate it. 

I'm also in four different kinds of therapy right now, doing a short-term intensive for three months, which I'm about halfway through right now. It's pretty tiring, and yes, it can take a lot of time each week. Finding therapy and groups that work for you is essential. Again, it's not going to be easy, but there's a difference between difficulty and pain. Free therapy groups are abundant online and more available locally than one might suspect, and I have to admit that group counselling has been surprisingly helpful. The dominant approach is called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, an improvement on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and it's working really well for me. 

Subsequent to the therapy thing...I'm using mindfulness a lot, and for me, it's working well. Now, mindfulness is actually a hazardous technique for some people, and can worsen their mental health, but many others benefit from it. However, it actually refers to a bunch of techniques. For me, that's colour breathing, grounding, and exercises to create sensory awareness of my body. Sometimes fully tensing all muscles and releasing them can really help. Point is, mindfulness involves a variety of concrete techniques and approaches; it isn't just a sort of vague mindset thing. It's a bunch of stuff. Try things, carefully. Those therapy groups often talk about techniques with more expertise. 

Frustratingly, the whole thing about scheduling has also been proven true. It's often told to neurodivergent people that we need to schedule our shit, and...yeah. I use a digital calendar app to block off my time and handle both regular obligations and appointments. For instance, I have reminders about when to scoop our cats' litterboxes, my therapy sessions, and my intended swimming times all colour-coded out. Adjust your reminders' frequency to help you actually pay attention to them. 

Self-care often gets described as either really unpleasant, important tasks like doing the dishes and scrubbing the toilet and making phone calls, or as a sort of fuzzy, vague, indulgent thing, like baths and eight kinds of skincare. However, it's a balance of these things. The most important thing I'm finding is re-framing what I consider a reward or a treat. 

Very recently, I've been shifting the perception of a treat from physical rewards to actual time. Setting aside my little chunk of time to read a book and have a little snack and a cup of tea, or to draw some words for my daily drawing challenge, has immensely enriched my life. The way I even have time for those things is that I've had to identify where I was wasting time. Doomscrolling can take many forms, and it's important to remember that our phones and social networks and apps and Netflix and games and such are designed to keep us watching. Spend time on people, things, and actions that either make you happy or challenge you. 

Another thing has been moderating the content I take in more carefully. I'm limiting some of my interactions with politics, because quite frankly, a lot of people are just fucking using the news to self-harm, and I don't want to be one of them. To quote Propaganda the rapper and activist, tapping out is vitally fucking important right now.

I will never advocate for people to wrap themselves in a bubble of ignorance either. Completely disengaging from the news is really dangerous. But limit your exposure, and especially if you're on multiple social networks - for god's sake, don't try to be politically focused and active on every single one of them. That's a shortcut to burnout. Internal boundaries are required for survival. Don't let anyone guilt or shame you into thinking otherwise. They're not respecting their own limits, and they'll end up paying for it or hurting other people along the way. 

 

Caveats 

There are several important components that are making this possible for me. One is, frankly, financial support from my parents and partners. Now, I realise that's not doable for most people, but I'm not going to be one of those people who pretends they've hauled their asses up by their bootstraps with no help or support. My family isn't wealthy, but the small amount of money and more generous supportive time, has been a huge advantage. My unconventional family structure with my partners also makes things a hell of a lot more doable and accessible. 

One of the most important components of this whole thing is just time, period. I'm lucky enough to live in Canada, where we have a flawed but still extant social service and safety net. I also have health insurance that covers my therapy. Being white and having an English-speaker name means I get the benefit of the doubt in a lot of situations. I think about these things a lot, and I'm grateful for them. 

We're often taught to be ashamed of privilege, rather than practical about it. If you have it in any area of life - and most people have it in one or two ways - lean on it and use it. Play into it, if you can do so without harming yourself mentally. Use privilege as a ladder for yourself, and then extend the same help to others who don't have it. 

That said, it's important to get your shit together enough to survive, and balancing that with community care and help is tricky. I'm not going to say "fuck everyone else, save yourself" because frankly, that's also bad for you, but it's also really important to learn your limits and know how much you can do without hurting or exhausting yourself. 

What should you do?

Still, if you find yourself in need of help direly, the best thing I can suggest to anyone is to stop trying to do it alone. If you have a few poor friends, band together. If you're living alone, move back home or find some kind of co-living situation. A bunch of disabled people working together, or family or friends, can patch each other's holes both financially and situationally.

 If you already have roommates, family, or housemates, moving to a cheaper living situation or talking to the landlord about a rent reduction might be necessary. Changing living situations to be around people who will actually support you might also be necessary. I know some people find the thought of living with others unbearable, but if it's a choice between living with others and dying alone, find a way to make it work. Have boundary and alone time talks. It beats working yourself to death for an illusion of independence.

I cannot recommend enough that, wherever you live, you take advantage of any resources available. Rent relief, affordable housing programs, any kind of food stamps, free therapy groups, and outreach centres. There are no prizes for not using the social safety net, while it still exists. 

Furthermore, the social workers I know have made it clear to me that their programs actually live and die on participation. Even if the waitlists are long, it's much better to get involved, because then local, provincial/state, and federal programs see that *the resources are being used, and therefore need to be funded.* Yes, I know what's happening in the USA right now, but they haven't actually destroyed the entire system *yet*. 

 

But Magpie, I can't do any of this stuff. 

Now, for those who are looking at this list and going, "I don't have a safe home, I don't have a regular diet, I don't have supportive people..." 

The truth is, your life is already in the process of collapse, and my type of recovery plan is not right for you right now. What you need is to work on stabilizing your living situation. You absolutely cannot fix your shit right now, and that has to be okay. I'm sorry to be the one telling you. However, some of these tips - utilizing program resources, talking to friends and family to pool resources, scheduling, and getting movement in - are all doable. Working through the panic and overwhelm is important. 

If you have any type of privilege or resources you can lean on, without harming yourself, use them. There's no sense in feeling guilty about it, and remember that what people think of you doesn't have to reflect who you are inside. Again, I stress that there's a line here about self-harm - other trans folks will know this line well, because it's common for nonbinary people to have to portray themselves as binary-gendered, for instance - but as long as drawing on a systemic or familial resource isn't actively hurting you, it's okay to do it. To be even clearer, approaching abusive family members for help is probably a bad idea, but may be required in survival circumstances. 

It's often said that "nobody can save you but you," and while that's got elements of truth to it, it's also completely wrong. Support networks of various kinds - systemic infrastructure and interpersonal ones - are the only way out. 

You have to ask for what you need. Yes, I know that's fucking scary. Yes, it means figuring out what you need. But it beats dying slowly and suffering all the way down.

The quick and dirty summary 

To fix your life and mental health issues, you need: 

1) Financial support - a stable place to live and food to eat, plus therapy fee coverage if applicable

2) Emotional support - people who will support and enable you to change and make changes 

3) Health plans - these are going to be different for every person, but movement is a basic need. Find a safe and sustainable way to move your body regularly. Figure out food supplies and needs. Same with meds or other therapy access. Procrastinating on health issues does not make them go away, and in fact, can make them get worse. They also won't make waiting lists for appointments get any shorter. 

4) Scheduling - I know, it's annoying and overwhelming, but you gotta do it. 

5) Advantages - if you have any form of privilege that you can use without causing yourself mental or physical distress, use it. 

6) Self-knowledge - this is fucking hard, and comes inch by inch, but you have to learn your own mental and physical constraints. What can you do sustainably? What help can you give others without tiring yourself out? 

7) Boundaries - limit your news exposure and pick a few areas you care about. Overwhelm and witnessing suffering can be a form of digital self-harm. People will try to convince you that this is cowardly, but it's not your job to perform enlightenment or empathy. Also, you can't know everything, and trying will exhaust you. Consuming media is not the same as actually doing shit for your community, whether local or global. Supporting and helping others is essential for building mental health, but you also have to nourish yourself. 

I realise a bunch of these need to be tailored and adjusted to each person's situation. I definitely have a bad-faith Tumblr/old Twitter ghost in my head arguing with every single point, but this is the best I can do to dole out some survival advice. 

I'm going to end with some media recommendations - for news, I really like Cool Zone Media's podcasts; It Could Happen Here, Behind the Bastards, Hood Politics, There Are No Girls on the Internet, and Better Offline are probably my favourites. I also like the journalistic coverage from Some More News, Vox's Today Explained, What Next from Slate, and Frontburner from CBC. 

For non-news, I'm really enjoying enjoying working through all the albums I've been meaning to listen to over the years, including new music from artists I already like and exploring artists whose songs catch my ears. I've been making absurd numbers of playlists, so if that's your thing, check out my Youtube and see if anything intrigues you. 

Oh, and I've gotten back into actually reading books for pleasure, which is amazing. I'll probably have an article about modern gothic horror coming out soon, because that's what I'm fixated on right now, but everything I'm reading has been wall-to-wall bangers. You can follow my reviews on Goodreads, Amazon, or Storygraph, but please be aware that I am *NOT ACCEPTING REVIEW REQUESTS* for books. 

A writer and artist, Michelle Browne lives in southern AB with xer family and their cats. Xe is currently working on the next books in her series, other people's manuscripts, knitting, jewelry-making, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible. Find xer all over the internet: *Website * Amazon * Substack * Patreon * Ko-fi * Instagram * Bluesky * Mastodon * Tumblr * Medium * OG Blog * Facebook *

for you page :)

I'm slightly above average at a handful of things

Not good enough for brilliance but 

Too good to ignore

In an era where skills must be monetized 

But the effort of monetizing work is a hidden burden 

Lurking behind a hill, blotting out a sunset

I'm coming to hate my art

I can string bright glowing glass and sparkling stones 

With iridescent shells to make a necklace 

It's not good enough

I can knit fluffy soothing yarn or soft chenille or 

Perky daring colorful novelty fibers into

Improbably cosy sweaters 

It's not good enough

I weave descriptions and worlds from dust 

And imagined shadows into aching glory

It's not good enough

I can sing trembling lines of poetry and melody

from silence and stillness into colour

It's not good enough

To survive under capitalism 

What happened to the starry future skies 

We used to dream up,

With mechanized wonders and lives of leisure 

And brilliant new attractions and follies

Everything is either popular, for rich people, or carefully faked

I hate my art because

I'm not famous on tiktok

Because at some point art has started to feel like

Palliative care for the soul 

And regardless of skill 

I'm too ugly to go viral 

***

A writer and professional freelance editor, Michelle Browne lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partners-in-crime and their cats. She is currently working on the next books in her series, other people's manuscripts, knitting, jewelry-making, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.

Find her all over the internet: *Website * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * Amazon * Tumblr * Mastodon *Facebook * Medium * Twitter  * OG Blog* Instagram * Paypal.me * Ko-fi

 

New Year, Same Me - But Different

 Well, the good news is that I'm not dead, as you can tell from this post existing. The other good news is that I've been writing a lot. Book 3 of the Meaning Wars is done, Book 4 is also now done and out to beta readers (but if you're interested, I can always use more!), and book 5 is 2/3rds done. In addition to that, I also am 60K of 100K into a coauthored book with a friend of mine, Anna Lewis, set in her series about a nigh-immortal pirate who's about to get his first taste of therapy in five hundred years. 

That probably sounds like a lot more writing than I've done in the last few years, and that's completely correct. However, I haven't been running my online text-based D&D game, and as you all know, my blog's been on hiatus. 

2020 Bad

But the last few years has been A Lot - Trump's presidency and the related empowerment of authoritarian leaders across the world, issues around trans rights and especially Black and Brown lives and existence - it's been hard, especially over 2020, to feel as though my words have any merit, weight, or meaning. Stepping aside and letting PoC talk is rarely a bad thing, but self-doubt latching on to that was maybe not great.

I mean, in 2016, two artists I value deeply passed away - Leonard Cohen and David Delamare. People die, that's just how that works; I personally don't want to die ever, if I can help it. (Blog post upcoming; yes I've thought this through extensively, shush.) Other artists died, too. Britain and India and Brazil empowered disgusting right-wing leaders. There were more incidents of racist, transphobic, misogynistic, and homophobic gun violence than I care to list here. But as much as Trump's inauguration and the resulting ripples up here in Canada have felt like living in a state of war, the pandemic has been closer to living under war than I've ever expected to feel. None of us were prepared. And yet, somehow, 2020 had a lot of personal development bright spots for me. 

So why now? Why not just write a farewell post and give up blogging, for example? Well...

I never stopped having things to say

2016 to 2020 has been a disruptive period for the world, and from late 2014 to 2020, it was pretty rough on me as well. The fact that a hard period in my own life synced up with global events just made everything going on sort of more relatable in a way. 

For example, I often fall asleep to politics podcasts because a) sometimes mildly boring things and comforting voices are great, and b) knowing that bigger problems than my own exist is oddly soothing. And c), knowing what's going on in the world gives me a sense of agency, whether illusory or valid. 

However...

A lot of the posts I started to write were rather short. Because I've primarily written my blog posts and articles in a full-length format, I sometimes wait far too long to actually express them. This might also be the cause of something else I dislike - the tendency for people to read my work, but not reply to it, perhaps because it's *too* complete and exhaustive. 

So this year, I want to try something different. I will be putting out more posts again (certainly more than once a month; I'd like to go back to the weekly post schedule I had/aimed for previously). But my posts might be scattered-sounding, less comprehensive, and messier. Above all: probably shorter and less complete. We'll see how it goes; if I hate it, I'll probably try something else, but I've been thinking about it for a few days, and I feel surprisingly good about it. I might also go into more personal topics than I have in the past - but the probability of this turning from an analysis/commentary/writing blog into, I don't know, a skincare and lifestyle blog, is extremely low. I might even stick some more poetry up here, since for some reason, people don't seem to hate it.

Sometimes, Productivity is Self-Care

This is a tricky topic at the best of times, because capitalist propaganda/training says that we should only feel good about ourselves if we're doing things and making money. But as many writers about "self-care" have observed, there's also more to self-care and building good mental health habits than buying heavy blankets and colouring books, making overnight oats, or taking baths with artisanal bombs and essential oils. Those things are all fine, great, and can be part of recovery too - but for myself and many others. 

Towards the end of 2020 - especially after the election in the US brought in a change of power, and a light seemed to break through the clouds - I finally started to kick some bad habits and feel like perhaps, maybe, the world is not doomed after all. I started the process of kicking some deep-seated bad habits as well, and that's already shaken my world at its foundations.

I have so much more to write about this, but I'm going to let this content breathe and start on my next post instead. 

Hope 2021 is off to a survivable start for people! Let me know in the comments how you got through 2020, and what you're hoping for in 2021. 

***

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and their two cats. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people’s manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible. Find her all over the internet: * OG Blog * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * Amazon * Medium * Twitter * Instagram * Facebook * Tumblr * Paypal.me * Ko-fi

Fran Bow: A Game Review

Hello hello!

I continue to fight depression and anxiety, but I'm still here--so I'm winning, I suppose you could say.  At any rate, it's been ages since I put up a new post, but not for lack of ideas or content. This idea, however, demanded to be discussed because it was so very timely. For once, I will try to avoid

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS 

...but there will still be a few. Also, major content warnings apply to the game, for gore, ghosts, scary women's health issues, a creepy pedo-type guard, and other various scary situations. If you're sensitive to stories about children in danger, or if Pan's Labyrinth upsets you, maybe give this game a pass. For the rest of you, follow me down this dark and strange path to the world of Ithersta.

Sometimes, Disarcade (aka Andrey, the partner in crime) plays something other than DOTA 2. I've been nagging him to put up another blog for non-DOTA things, but I'll alert you all when that actually happens. Anyway, when Dantalion sent us the code for Fran Bow, I had no idea what to expect.

What I got was an indie point and click adventure game game that's basically on par with, or better than Psychonauts. It's terrifying, but easily the most in-depth and well-written game about mental illness that I've ever seen. I've complained that games about asylums and such tend to other mentally ill people in the past, and I thought I was tired as hell of Creepy Child stories, but this game totally inverted my expectations.

When? Where? 

The game is set in the early 1940s, but avoids talking directly about WWII. That isn't to say the themes don't touch on it, but it's very indirect. I can't talk about the rich mythology and symbolism and themes in the game without some end-of-game spoilers, but suffice to say that if you are educated about history and you look for hints about what Jewish people endured, you might well see them.

The game seems to be set in Europe, but I saw suggestions online that it's set in America. Everyone speaks English and it's all captioned anyway, so it's hard to tell.

Who is Fran Bow? 

You can see more about the plot here. Fran is the eponymous character, and the game is delivered through her perspective. After her parents are brutally murdered under dubious circumstances, she is brought to an asylum for mentally ill children. By putting the game entirely in her perspective, the viewer is placed in an empathetic position rather than a fearful one. Fran jokes, is polite and friendly to everyone, and is spunky and brave even when things are hopeless. Even when she's followed by horrifying, demonic shadows, she keeps her chin up and remains devoted to finding her kitty, Mr. Midnight.

Fran might be mentally ill, with schizophrenia, or the world she's in might just be very strange. The entire game might be a metaphorical way of dealing with her struggles. Which of these is true? I'm not going to tell you, of course!

What does it look and sound like? 

If you're longing for a visual feast, Fran Bow delivers. The detailed, beautiful 2-D animation is a feast for the eyes, and the horror is fucking creepy. Skeletons, strange beasts, blood, and demons? All of the above, and then some. This is weird horror that dabbles in Lovecraftian styling but without aping old tropes. The music is simple, but the sound design is haunting and creepy. It's a very pared-down game, but does not feel limited or cheap in the least.

Source. This is a scene from pretty early on...and it only gets creepier. 

Why do you like it so much? 

Like I said, it's an empathetic portrayal of trauma, mental illness, and the things people endured in psychiatric facilities until the 1970s. Hints of violence against women, the metaphorical illustrations of demons (or non-metaphorical, depending on what you think about the game), the cruel experimentation...all of it is done in an empathetic but fair way, and it's still scary as hell. This is easily the scariest game Disarcade has ever played, and I've sat through both of the good Dead Space games. Fran Bow doesn't really rely on crappy jump scares, but uses atmosphere and scary ideas to get the scares across. The story is frightening on many levels, and boy does it work. The best part is that even with Fran's simple, brave point of view, the story retains its scariness. It's never stupid, childish, or condescending to either the audience or Fran, and Fran isn't overly sexualized in weird ways. 

Final Verdict

Play this game right now. I don't usually give games such emphatically positive reviews, but games are almost never as exceptional as this one. It took us around four or five hours to get through, so the game doesn't wear out its welcome. I'm still thinking about its implications, the worlds it offers, and the way it portrays both inner demons and Fran herself. 

What's next? 

I've been having trouble getting anything done, for reasons mentioned above, but I'm hoping to write a post about a game called "Don't Starve Together", one about JK Rowling's not-so-hidden fatphobia, and to catch up on some of the old idea posts that have been sitting in my queue for a while. What do you want me to write about? Leave a comment if you have questions or ideas!

***

Thanks for returning to the nest. Leave a comment and say hi! I want to hear from you. Keep up with the new releases by getting on the mailing list. Buy my books on Amazon, and keep up with me on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and the original blog. This is the one and only SciFiMagpie, over and out!

When Monsters Are Friends: The New World of Romance (Part 2)

Hello hello!

Before we go any further, please be aware that I WILL be talking about abuse, mental health issues, and physical health issues in the context of metaphor and real life. Brace yourselves. This is a trigger warning of the most sincere kind; for here be monsters.

Monsters are everywhere. I knew this when I was a little girl, and I was firmly convinced of it--shadows moved at night. Edging my foot over the side of the bed would be a step too far, enough to alert the crawling, creeping horrors lurking in the darkness of my room. Seething shapes with claws and red eyes and teeth waited in the back of my mind, torturing a vivid imagination. Sometimes they looked like raptors from Jurassic Park--cheesy now, but terrifying to my childhood self. The shark from Jaws looks quite fake now, laughably so, but back then, its churning maw and darkly thrashing fins kept me shaking in my flippers when I ventured into the deep end of the pool.

The monsters didn't go away as I got older--or, they did, but just became rarer. Side effects of an over-active imagination, I knew, but it didn't make them less scary. Stringy-haired young girls in white gowns, their long black hair draping over broken, distorted limbs, crawled through my nightmares. Long-clawed shadows made me watch the windows tensely, well into my late teens--just in case something was moving out there. Something that wasn't the neighbour's dog or a wandering coyote.

In university, a visualization exercise involving a misshapen, enormous, leather-winged beast had my heart racing even as I walked the corridors in full daylight. My partner introduced me to Lovecraft, and I shuddered over descriptions of cannibalism and nameless wraiths and vile magicians. And at some point, in the middle of it all, Twilight happened.

"Sparkly Vampires"

Everyone across the internet--and off of it, in fact--seems to understand what is meant by "sparkly vampires". And while those vampires are technically much closer to mythical portrayals of fey, the concept of effete, weak, sulky, ridiculous creatures was still cemented firmly in public imagination. Say the phrase "sparkly vampires" and people will know that you're referring not only to soppy portrayals of the legendary sanguinarian revenants, but to crappy, overly romanticized monsters in general.

Except...there's a merit to softening and humanizing our monsters. By making the vampires "nice", Meyer made them accessible, relateable. The way she did it--and especially her prose--bear some critique, but the yearning, angry isolation, and discontent within a world of privilege that Edward and the other vamps express--those clearly spoke to people around the world. The vamps may live on animal blood, but their supernatural abilities and other traits make them "different"--and all those differences are for the sole purpose of predation. Even love cannot make a monster cease to exist, or fix its true nature. And yet, love persisted, even though both Bella and Edward knew it was a bad, unhealthy idea. This is what spoke to so many people, something true that even purple prose and sighing, dull, sullen teenagers could not conceal: sometimes, love is bad for you, and sometimes, one loves "not too wisely, but too well". We abandon sense and logic and doing utterly horrible things in the name of that insanity-inducing hormonal cocktail of emotion.

"Why be nice? They're monsters!" 

Going back to the sparkly monsters and complaints about wussy shifters, it's worth looking at why people express cognitive dissonance at the idea of a less violent monster. Surely, the point of a monster is to be a villain, antagonist, or threat. Monsters, by their nature, cannot be wholly good. But Not being wholly good does not actually require being wholly evil. And that moral ambiguity allows people to insert themselves in the monster's shoes. Sex without consequences, without the need for reproduction? For a lot of people, especially those from Christian backgrounds, the idea of such a "sin" is seductive and tainted. And a high, consequence-free sex drive is just the beginning.

It allows us to deal with negative or shadow traits within ourselves and other people without rejecting or denying their nature. People can do good or bad things, and not simply be accepted or rejected based on arbitrary ideas of 'good' and 'evil'--human nature and human actions are complex; in addition to all the niggling little moral arguments, there's also the simple fact that 'good' people do bad things. Winston Churchill tested mustard gas on innocent people in Kurdish villages; Mahatma Gandhi was misogynistic and racist; Hitler was a vegetarian who was kind to, and loved, animals. Unfortunately, even the worst and best people that humanity has to offer have a mix of traits which represent complexity--on a micro scale, this means that people we love, care about, and who try to do the right thing most of the time can abuse us, commit acts of assault on others, or make individually harmful stupid choices.

It also allows us to own the harmful elements in ourselves, while both externalizing and accepting them as necessary.Another case--someone may have a physical or mental illness that makes it hard for them not to harm others, such as people who have developmental difficulties or who cannot control their muscles at times. If an epileptic nephew punches you in the face during a seizure, is it his fault? Or--if a lover screams at you while xe is having a bipolar episode, is it their fault? In the second case, the answer may be more than a simple 'yes' or 'no', but one argument does not cause for dissolution of a relationship make.

Wait, so how does this relate to monsters again? 

In a way, werewolves and shifters are like people with mental illnesses--yes, those illnesses can hobble us. Like a wolf, being confined to one's home for three days, avoiding others for fear of hurting them, having to undertake rituals to control the issue, people with these illnesses and problems can feel controlled by them. But they can also be a source of identity and wholeness.

In Gestalt theory, "wholeness" is the end result; achieving it can take a variety of paths. Similarly,  Jung's famous shadow-self theories have importance. We cannot accept ourselves as we are, nor can we improve our lives, if we ignore reality and our limitations. A werewolf is disabled by bloodlust and transformation for three days out of the month--or more, depending on the mythos. A vampire must cope with physical and dietary limits as well as emotional and mental limits. Just as people with disabilities sometimes or often develop strengths to compensate for or as a result of their experiences, both magical and more realistic limitations on life leave their mark.

Obviously, this does *not* ring true for everyone with a disability, or other life issues such as addictions, or even for every "normal" (whatever that means) person struggling with a dark side. But for some of us, it does, and having realistic monsters has real value.

And finally...

When I curled up in the throes of depression this weekend, doubled over and crying in despair, the problem was mostly a lack of meds to balance out some neurochemical issues. My hair fell down around my face, and I crawled on hands and knees to a safer, darker space. I was wearing torn clothes--a ragged layered skirt and raveling cotton shirt, unsuccessfully tea-died and denuded of sleeves long ago. But in my head, it seemed like a good idea to just lie there, die, and haunt the closet until some university kid came to rent the place.  I looked like a ghost, and felt like one, and in that moment, I knew what it was to really be one of the monsters.

And it was okay--not just because I chose to fight those feelings, but because they were mine. Eventually, my partner came in, offered me a hand, and helped me climb out of the pile of blankets I'd been crouching in. We visited his family. I tried a higher dose of meds, which worked. But for a while, in the 3 a.m. darkness, I let myself feel what needed to be felt. And then I came back.

***

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