Being Goth is Self-Care

 So, I've had a thing for distressed sweaters and knitwear since childhood - between The Matrix (1999) and my love of Dickens and his orphans, I've always had an appreciation and fascination for things falling apart. Growing up in an upper-middle-class household with parents from lower working-class backgrounds (a farming family and a military family respectively), having to really wear things out before I got a new one wasn't much of a problem. (Yes, I realise how frustratingly privileged that statement will sound, to many people. I know.) 

But I grew up with my fashion sense somewhat circumscribed. For one thing, being a fat child in the 90s and 2000s was not especially easy. That is putting it mildly; for a variety of reasons, it was hell, and has left me with lasting body image issues and struggles with disordered eating ever since. Add on a hormonal condition, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and you have a recipe for body dysmorphia that no physician will ever pick up, and self-loathing that's been hard to shake. 

Over the years, I've managed to chip away at it bit by bit. There are still body parts I hate, resent, and fear - but I don't always hate them all the time, and what's more, I actually like other parts of my body. Learning how to look all right while not smiling in photos has also been useful. I like taking pictures of the world around me, my friends, and myself to capture a mood, a moment, or a memory - and frankly, I don't like faking happiness or calm. I was rather good at it for a long time, but it certainly wasn't good for me. 

 

How do you solve a problem like self-loathing? 

Well, in my case, with fashion. I always designed and drew dresses in my childhood, and learning to knit and sew by hand, and later, re-learn to sew with a machine, has enabled me to alter my clothes so they either fit or are more comfortable. I'm not great at it all the time, but just doing it is very validating. 

It's rather embarrassing to be a woman in her thirties going through a goth phase; most of the time, it's relegated to the province of teens or young adults. But frankly, life does not end at age 30, as I am discovering, and neither does self-examination. Certainly, I hope it is less navel-gazing and circular than the decidedly shallow, valid stuff that fills many a "man pain" Literary novel - but the truth is that middle-aged people exist, and are not always complacent. 

As relationships mature and the haze of crisis dies down, it's not a bad idea to reevaluate things and consider what causes one pain and what brings relief and comfort - and to seek more of the latter, while resolving the former. But in the same vein, avoiding pain and wallowing in it are both traps. The only middle ground of peace is acceptance. And sometimes, being a little sad for a while feels nice. 

Where does the goth stuff come in to this? 

The thing about wearing clothing that is flamboyant and artistic and expressive is that in addition to pairing things that look nice together in a satisfying way, it also lets me communicate nonvisually. I've loved distressed sweaters for ages - but frankly, the last four years have been particularly distressing, and there's really something refreshing about feeling like shit because you look like shit, but make it fashion.

And sometimes, non-verbal, even non-spoken communication can be really powerful. With the toll 2020 has taken on me, being able to throw on a dark, gloomy sweater, and feeling its weight, being able to pet the soft knitted fabric and pluck the loose threads or smooth them back into shape, has been viscerally cathartic in a way. Sometimes, one has articulated all they can about one's feelings, but a mood still remains - and for that, wearing black or a big, glum, clouded-sky grey scarf can be awfully comforting. It's a way to signal one's mind state without having to say it out loud. 

And this is not to say that my depression has come back - oddly, I think my mental health is better this month than it's been in years. There are two very big problems I've been struggling with for more than a decade (which I'll talk about more later; they're difficult) - and I've finally cracked them. But of course, sometimes I'm still sad, especially as I work on things and grieve the loss of them.

frankly, the last four years have been particularly distressing, and there's really something refreshing about feeling like shit because you look like shit, but make it fashion.

Now, that's not to say that I'm always wearing black distressed sweaters, stockings or socks, and black shorts/distressed denim skirts every single day. In fact, it's been kind of a good motivation to wear more colourful clothes at other times. The difference between sadness and depression is, in a sense, consent. To be less glib, however, depression washes the colour out of everything; sadness has plenty of value. 

Clothes can be feelings

The thing about wearing dark clothing is that it's been allowing me to basically validate my own feelings and express them without having to, I don't know, walk around making declarative sentences at all times. I am not, after all, an NPC in a video game. 

But clothing can be used to express joy, or madness, or a desire for comfort as well. If there's one thing I've learned from this, it's that improbable things that feel inaccessible sometimes work better than we might expect. So, for my readers - maybe you're a mother in a van feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes this sort of thing takes hours, but it's not as though the only way to be goth or express another alternative fashion sense is to spend hours upon hours doing one's makeup. (That is also fine, of course, but not everyone has, wants, or needs to do that much makeup or preening.) Wearing all black and putting on some extra eyeliner might be enough for you - and it doesn't make you inferior. 

Alternatively, purple pants and an insane 80s sweater might evoke the hectic madness someone is feeling. Does something appear to clash? Well, try it anyway. People, myself included, often worry about "pulling off" an outfit, but the key to doing that isn't just confidence - it's comfort. If something is comfortable, or makes one's body feel good (say, a tight belt on a loose shirt dress, or a corset, or pants with just the right texture) then it's going to look so much better than that stiff, awful chiffon on that disappointingly cute cottagecore blouse. 

And finally: phases pass. Some of them become a normal part of one's life, losing their intensity; some just end unexpectedly one day. But giving oneself permission to just try something for a while is terribly important. And at the very least? It's going pretty well for me. 

***

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and their two cats. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people’s manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible. Find her all over the internet: * OG Blog * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * Amazon * Medium * Twitter * Instagram * Facebook * Tumblr * Paypal.me * Ko-fi

New Year, Same Me - But Different

 Well, the good news is that I'm not dead, as you can tell from this post existing. The other good news is that I've been writing a lot. Book 3 of the Meaning Wars is done, Book 4 is also now done and out to beta readers (but if you're interested, I can always use more!), and book 5 is 2/3rds done. In addition to that, I also am 60K of 100K into a coauthored book with a friend of mine, Anna Lewis, set in her series about a nigh-immortal pirate who's about to get his first taste of therapy in five hundred years. 

That probably sounds like a lot more writing than I've done in the last few years, and that's completely correct. However, I haven't been running my online text-based D&D game, and as you all know, my blog's been on hiatus. 

2020 Bad

But the last few years has been A Lot - Trump's presidency and the related empowerment of authoritarian leaders across the world, issues around trans rights and especially Black and Brown lives and existence - it's been hard, especially over 2020, to feel as though my words have any merit, weight, or meaning. Stepping aside and letting PoC talk is rarely a bad thing, but self-doubt latching on to that was maybe not great.

I mean, in 2016, two artists I value deeply passed away - Leonard Cohen and David Delamare. People die, that's just how that works; I personally don't want to die ever, if I can help it. (Blog post upcoming; yes I've thought this through extensively, shush.) Other artists died, too. Britain and India and Brazil empowered disgusting right-wing leaders. There were more incidents of racist, transphobic, misogynistic, and homophobic gun violence than I care to list here. But as much as Trump's inauguration and the resulting ripples up here in Canada have felt like living in a state of war, the pandemic has been closer to living under war than I've ever expected to feel. None of us were prepared. And yet, somehow, 2020 had a lot of personal development bright spots for me. 

So why now? Why not just write a farewell post and give up blogging, for example? Well...

I never stopped having things to say

2016 to 2020 has been a disruptive period for the world, and from late 2014 to 2020, it was pretty rough on me as well. The fact that a hard period in my own life synced up with global events just made everything going on sort of more relatable in a way. 

For example, I often fall asleep to politics podcasts because a) sometimes mildly boring things and comforting voices are great, and b) knowing that bigger problems than my own exist is oddly soothing. And c), knowing what's going on in the world gives me a sense of agency, whether illusory or valid. 

However...

A lot of the posts I started to write were rather short. Because I've primarily written my blog posts and articles in a full-length format, I sometimes wait far too long to actually express them. This might also be the cause of something else I dislike - the tendency for people to read my work, but not reply to it, perhaps because it's *too* complete and exhaustive. 

So this year, I want to try something different. I will be putting out more posts again (certainly more than once a month; I'd like to go back to the weekly post schedule I had/aimed for previously). But my posts might be scattered-sounding, less comprehensive, and messier. Above all: probably shorter and less complete. We'll see how it goes; if I hate it, I'll probably try something else, but I've been thinking about it for a few days, and I feel surprisingly good about it. I might also go into more personal topics than I have in the past - but the probability of this turning from an analysis/commentary/writing blog into, I don't know, a skincare and lifestyle blog, is extremely low. I might even stick some more poetry up here, since for some reason, people don't seem to hate it.

Sometimes, Productivity is Self-Care

This is a tricky topic at the best of times, because capitalist propaganda/training says that we should only feel good about ourselves if we're doing things and making money. But as many writers about "self-care" have observed, there's also more to self-care and building good mental health habits than buying heavy blankets and colouring books, making overnight oats, or taking baths with artisanal bombs and essential oils. Those things are all fine, great, and can be part of recovery too - but for myself and many others. 

Towards the end of 2020 - especially after the election in the US brought in a change of power, and a light seemed to break through the clouds - I finally started to kick some bad habits and feel like perhaps, maybe, the world is not doomed after all. I started the process of kicking some deep-seated bad habits as well, and that's already shaken my world at its foundations.

I have so much more to write about this, but I'm going to let this content breathe and start on my next post instead. 

Hope 2021 is off to a survivable start for people! Let me know in the comments how you got through 2020, and what you're hoping for in 2021. 

***

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and their two cats. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people’s manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible. Find her all over the internet: * OG Blog * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * Amazon * Medium * Twitter * Instagram * Facebook * Tumblr * Paypal.me * Ko-fi

Instagram: A Thot Experiment

Recovering from mental health problems to any extent is kind of a weird feeling. Being able to function again - or more - is strange enough that I'll have to talk about it at length some time, but I haven't refined those thoughts yet.

However, I have been able to clean and move things around, and dress differently - and that's changed my perspective. So, to the best of my ability, here's some stuff I've noticed and some advice I've gathered.

How's it look? 

It makes a big difference to feel good about where you live, and watching DIY videos often show me nicely decorated spaces. In addition, tiny house and interior decorating videos often provoke not envy, but provide inspiration.

Tumblr and other visual-media based social networks, Facebook included, are notorious for inspiring envy. Instead, it should inspire fellowship and aspiration. I like haul videos and diy videos - have learned a few tricks, and just making the jump from seeing to trying something can make a huge difference.

A great way to improve your surroundings affordably is to use Facebook Marketplace, Kijiji, or thrifting. This can take time, but it's about the same as shopping online, and can often be much cheaper. You'd be surprised what you can find, and it's often in good shape.

Some basic suggestions 

Tiny houses are cool not because they're small, but because they make use of innovative storage  techniques. Any space - including, say, a mobile home or extremely modest two-bedroom apartment - can feel big and clean if you plan it out.

Make use of nooks and crannies, and get as many shelves as you can. Remember, wall decorations don't have to be pictures - you can stick up a rack to hang jewelry, or stick floating shelves up for even more storage, or to display a curio like an enameled plate.

A healthy way to change up or enrich your space is to add some plants; spider plants or succulents have become popular because they endure even the most forgetful gardener. However, fake plants are a good way to split the difference on this.

The secret sauce of good decorating appears to be color-coordinating your space as best as you can and using lots of baskets and boxes for storage. It keeps things from looking messy and makes it easier to clean. Of course, you still have to organize the contents, but it's progress.

We all love blankets and pillows, and blankets and throw pillows are a great way to both make a place look seasonably comfy and add some decor. If your couch has been attacked by a cat or your furniture otherwise needs repair, a throw blanket also hides a lot of sins. Rotating them by color is a good idea, and a relatively easy way to both redecorate and maximize your comfiness.

Fabric is a fundamental of organizing and decorating space, and adding or changing your curtains can make a huge difference. Thrifting or reusing scarves or panels of fabric is a good way to fancy up a space. Got something with a cool pattern? It's now a wall-hanging, and it'll reduce the echo in your space, too.

Maybe you don't have a curtain rod. No problem. Sticking up curtains with rounded pins from a dollar store is a great way to make the thumbtacks look fancier without having to install hardware.  As well, a thin curtain makes for a surprisingly great room divider. It can also be used to soften a harsh light, as in the case of the blue curtain over my very yellow office light. Anyone with mobility issues might need a friend or partner's help to get curtains up, but they can add a lot of privacy and help create changeable "mini-rooms."

Also, don't feel constrained by the intended purpose of a room. A living room can be a dining room, and anything can be an office - even a storage closet. With the addition of shelves for clothes, a storage closet can also (if you're a clothes horse like me) become a walk-in closet.

Walls are your best friend; when it comes to decorating or moving things around in a room, start at the walls and work inwards, trying to leave the middle free. Be aware of the traffic of each room. As long as you can all move around, what else matters?

Isn't decorating exhausting? 

This may sound like a lot of work, but the key is working with whomever you live with you get it done. Whether you have roommates, a spouse, children, extended family, or all of the above, it's important to be allies in making your living space mutually pleasant.

It's also a great way to bond with people and feel allied with one another. It's much easier to be agreeable when you feel united and as though you have things in common. Talking about what you like to look at is a good way to start on this.

What's this got to do with Instagram?

Instagram - along with, to some extent, TikTok, Snapchat, and other visually-based social media platforms - is known for its performative aspects. But when we look at people doing stuff, showing off and sharing their best moments, what we should take away is not envy, but aspirations and strategies.

I've never had this envy problem for some reason, but I think I've figured out why. My approach to seeing other people's vacation photos or selfies is fundamentally different. What I take away from Instagram is simple - wanting to go on adventures, take pictures of myself and friends, bake things, and make things.

Instead of envy, try to think of how to make things happen in your own life. Neat makeup technique? Just try it, and laugh off the mistakes. Pretty drawing? It's worth trying to copy it or draw something different, even if you think you'll fail. Failure builds the bones of skill. And above all, do your best ot go outside. Adventures don't have to be expensive - you can take pictures of a walk around your neighborhood, through your favorite park, through a new park, or try a new cafe. Another great way to feel fancy is make yourself a little pack lunch. maybe it's just some veggies and a sandwich, but if you cut it up and arrange it nicely for yourself, it will feel special
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Enjoy the moments that compose undertaking an action. Taking pics of yourself smiling or while doing even ordinary activities, like having a coffee with friends or walking the dog, will help you remember times more and make them seem brighter both in the present and the future. Little goals, like getting a mirror in the hall or putting up some curtains, can make a huge difference.

And remember - it's never too late to do something nice that you've been putting off. Self-care doesn't have to cost money to be useful or valid. Sometimes, it's as simple as switching out your pillows and blankets and putting up a little fall decor - because you finally can.

***

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and Max the cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people's manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.

Find her all over the internet: * OG Blog * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * 

* Amazon * Medium * Twitter * Instagram * Facebook * Tumblr * Paypal.me * Ko-fi